twenty minutes

i'm working a lot. it's not a complaint. i'm grateful for work. and work i love.

the past few days, my resistance is wearing. i'm tired. my learning curve still feels steep at times.

i used to have a lot of headaches. i would take tylenol. or advil. and start the clock for twenty minutes. it took twenty minutes to feel relief. if, at nineteen minutes, i was still in pain, i would still hold out for that last minute. that last minute would make all the difference.

twenty minutes became a marker for me. if something wasn't going right, i'd start the clock for twenty minutes. everything could change in twenty minutes.

recently, without every mentioning my twenty minute theory, a new friend said to me, 'you never know what could happen in twenty minutes. the love of your life could walk right in.'

i beamed at her.

twenty minutes. everything could change in twenty minutes.

and it will.

love and gratitude

i don't know how we got onto the subject, but we started talking about the power of positive thoughts last night.

of course, i thought of glen, and his ability to orate, in a non-stop loop, about the power of positive thinking. while this autistic presentation of constant cadence bore hard on others, i looked forward to working with glen for a few hours every week. listening to the words, 'and that's the power of positive thinking' every fifth sentence always left me beaming. of course, all of our conversations were monologues, with a little tap on my shoulder every now and then to let me know he knew i was still listening. they were also peppered with a running tally of the number of gmc trucks that had passed in the last hour, day, week.

the conversations were also full of glen's hopes for family, college, work and a gmc truck of his own. but, it was more than hope, it was confidence. glen had no doubt that if he thought positively about things, for long enough, with equal parts gratitude for what had been given to him in life, all his hopes would manifest true.

enter last night's conversation. there is a book called 'the miracle of water.' it's a photo study of water molecules that have been exposed to positive or negative energy, then frozen to form crystals. the results are compelling.

the crystals exposed to negative thoughts are fractured, and chaotic, while the crystals exposed to positive thoughts are not. the work is far more intensive, working on large bodies of water, then the effects of drinking 'positive' water, and so on.

here's the hook- the two thoughts given to the positive crystals- love and gratitude.

about a boy

we played the get to know you game.

as we walked, she told me she always knew she wanted to work with dying kids. even when she was very young. this did nothing to make her less appealing to me.

my turn. she asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. my answer was automatic, until i caught it in my mouth, just seconds before an accident. i shuffled my feet, i hedged. then i finally came up with, ' well, i wanted to be a doctor. then i wanted to be a lawyer.'

that's true. but that took me longer to figure out than the automatic answer.

what did i want to be when i grew up?

a boy.

i wanted to be a boy.

building

tuesday was an amazing night. i spent it working, then meeting up with some of the folks i love the most. i'm extremely grateful i was standing next to kati and marilyn for mccain's concession speech. and i was standing next to summer for obama's acceptance speech. these memories are precious and branded.

i lost track of my friends that night when my dad called. he wanted to be sure to talk to his kids on that historic night. i love my dad for many reasons, that phone call being one of them.

in the past week, i've talked to folks who supported obama, and folks who did not. there was one pervailing theme- hope. everyone has hope for what obama does. but what about hope for what i do? and you do? and what the person next to me does?

now, bear with me while it seems like i get side-tracked...
we're deploying a new program at work. i have both loved and loathed this process. i have loved seeing people rise to the challenge. i have loved being a part of pushing limits to achieve better performance. i have loved experiencing folks move from hating this product to loving its benefits. i have loved seeing the realization that we're all in it together. and kindness and forgiveness is just as required as expectation and delivery.

i have struggled with the pessimism involved in this project. i have struggled with the lack of effective communication. i have mostly struggled with the idea that the success or failure of this deployment seemed to rest on the shoulders on just about anyone else except the person i was talking to.

the success of this deployment depends on each and every person involved. it depends on each of us coming to the table. it depends on each of addressing flaws. addressing frustrations. and each of us hoping it works, til we experience enough to know it does.

i blogged months ago about hope and obama. barack obama is one of my heroes. but it was never obama that made me hopeful for opporuntity or change. it was everyone who showed up to the table. because for the first time in my life, we needed a whole new table. we needed a whole new building, actually.

keep hoping. keep acting. keep showing up. the work has not become easier, or slowed. let us not forget, in all the enthusiasm, prop 8 still passed. there is work to be done. despite any differences or similarities, i want us all building.

the results

my 30 day surrender pact is up.

here's what happened-

i learned that i need to ask and work for what i want, not just be happy with all that is offered.

i mean, by all means, be happy for the offerings! and... i need to work a little more on being less passive.

part of being open meant releasing- sometimes releasing hope, sometimes releasing nonsense. i had to release the notion that my friends can fulfill all of my relationship needs. summer and michelle are off being blissed out with others, and i realized how much stock i was putting in all of us being single for a while.

i met some folks. went out with some folks. will be going out again with some folks. its been great.

here's my task list-

• find my footing.
• stop accepting nonsense from folks. better opportunites will come. even if they don't, it's better than nonsense.
• stop waiting for folks to initiate everything, no matter what the stakes or arena or intent. get to know the woman i've wanted to get to know for three months. oh, and stop looking away every time she talks to me. or when she's so kindly introducing me to everyone at knitting group.
• keep working on this releasing business.

the last thing i learned- as much as i want a relationship, as much as the lonelies can tackle me when i'm with my friends, all of whom are now coupled, it's just not something i can jump right into.

oh wait, the real last thing- i owe a lot to surrender. i'm gonna keep it in my back pocket.

this is my bedtime story

IF there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled – Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It’s the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he’s fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation’s next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House. And while she’s no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics – you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you’ve sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to – it belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn’t start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington – it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.

It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation’s apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

I know you didn’t do this just to win an election and I know you didn’t do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime – two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor’s bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America – I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you – we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it’s been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years – block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek – it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it’s that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers – in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House – a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, “We are not enemies, but friends…though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.” And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn – I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world – our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down – we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security – we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America’s beacon still burns as bright – tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America – that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that’s on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She’s a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing – Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons – because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century in America – the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that “We Shall Overcome.” Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves – if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time – to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.

homesick

fall always feels nostalgic to me. this can leave me feeling completely at home in the world, wherever i am. and sometimes, it leaves me feeling homesick.

lately, i've been feeling homesick. i've moved a lot, so i always have people to visit, but i can sometimes notice that i don't have everyone in one place.

i'm also working a lot, and feeling, in general, disconnected. feeling disconnected always causes me grief.

enter stacy. stacy, one of my oldest friends (we've known each other since 7th grade) is coming into seattle this week. stacy is also one of those friends, that just keeps getting better with time. as much as i loved and appreciated stacy when i was 17, those feelings have grown exponentially since then. as we continue to experience life, i am amazed at the similarities and differences of our two lives. and how our ties continue to weave themselves through.

i loved high school. i love being from arkansas. my high school friends are still very much a part of my life, and it's times like this that i'm painfully aware that i can't drive over and hang out with someone i've known for more than half of my life.

the good news- my newer friends, while newer, are just as important to me. and handily, in closer proximity.

needless to say, i'm really looking forward to the visit with an old friend. i'm really looking forward to feeling at home.

and on that note, i received news that one of our schoolmates suddenly passed away. while katie was a year younger than me, i looked up to her, and all of her family, a lot. katie will be missed.

the state

sunday marks ten years since matthew shepard was killed.

today, the connecticut supreme court ruled that same sex marriages were legal. sarah palin was found to have acted unethically in the firing of her ex- brother in law. the financial crisis is sobering us up. barack obama is pulling ahead in some polls.

and for the first time, i'm beginning to feel like i live in a democracy. for the first time, my peer group is making a difference at the polls.

maybe it's because i'm 32. maybe things just feel like they're getting better.

but i really think they are. for the first time, i see my communities forming, and sustaining themselves.

whatever way things go, i hope we've all had enough. enough of the status quo. enough of letting other's votes carry more weight, because so many votes are absent.

i hope the newly formed neighborhood associations continue to thrive. i hope i continue to see political signs, and peace signs, fly in my neighbor's homes and yards. i hope i continue to wake up excited every morning to read the news. i hope i continue to assess myself, and my values, and my actions.

i hope i keep welling up, on my way home, because i'm hopeful for my communities for the first time in ten years.

surrender in my back pocket

i spent a lot of time with a lot of people this weekend. i am head over heels in friend love with my friends.

a very good friend got the keys to her first home. we celebrated.

i re-approached the parenting conversation with some of my friends.

on friday, i made an agreement to surrender to possibilities for thirty days. no really, an actual signed agreement. i've been doing this awkward oscillation between radical acceptance and saying no to everything because i don't trust my own decisions.

the results of this are sometimes amazing, but sometimes i end up gratefully accepting crap, or categorically denying fantastic opportunities.

so, the terms of this deal are this- for 30 days, starting last friday, i remain open to possibilities the universe sends me. i don't make excuses that allow me to turn down blind dates, i don't flake on my friends, and i keep my ethics about me. so, i don't have to say yes to everything that comes my way, but i have to consciously drop my batting practice bullshit for 3o days.

i'll keep you posted on how this goes.

on a whole other note, i had the day off, and it was gorgeous. like, kiss the ground gorgeous. but when the sun went down, i got a sudden case of the lonelies. i feel out of touch with my family. i can't wait for christmas, and for all of them to visit this spring.

and speaking of trips... glacier! i need to set up the blog for planning the train trip to glacier. it's going to be more expensive than driving, but way more fun, and meaningful, as well. i need a train trip with folks i love like my garden needs water these days.

geez.......

i forgot to mention...

i got an awesome new job!

and my house projects are wrapping up.

and, life is supremely fantastic these days.

sickness and all...

pee test, once more, with feeling

i just got home from urgent care.

i've felt puny for a couple of weeks. tonight, i started peeing blood. and feeling particularly vommy.

fortunately, most of the diagnostics could be done with a pee test. i am dehydrated. i have too much blood, protein, bacteria and white blood cells in my urine. and my blood pressure was through the roof.

i have one ear infection, a sinus infection, and bladder and kidney infections.

i have to start taking better care of myself. i have to take diabetes seriously. i have to start exercising on a regular basis.

the frequency of this same round of infections has everything to do with being diabetic, and is completely preventable.

i have a ridiculous antibiotic regimen for the next ten days....

change gonna come, pt. 2

transitions are typically very, very difficult for me.

i'm trying to remember what i learned from therapeutic massage- breathe.

i had some out of town visitors last week. it was a whirlwind to spend as much time as i could with both of them. and a funny juxtaposition since one is very new to me and one is one of my oldest friends.

work has me tuckered out. but i am grateful for the opportunities i have.

i'm thinking a lot about transitions and change and gifts and losses. a friend is in the last days of saying goodbye to her dog, who has been her companion her entire adult life. i wish i had words for her. all i have is a heart throwing sparks their way. sparks of the gorecki's 3rd symphony kind.

damon on palin

prepare

i'm in getting ready mode.

the house is undergoing some upkeep. the inside walls are getting new paint. things are getting tidied up.

in lots of ways.

i've been really messy for a few years now. while it wasn't a good kind of messy, it served a certain purpose.

i'm moving back to tidy. it's easier there.

annie has a fence, and playdates. she got to play with jackson for a few hours tonight.

i have a home i can breathe easier in. i still have a lot of projects, but i feel like they can wait. next summer will be another set.

work is coming together for me. i feel grateful for two jobs i love so much.

the balance is not getting to hang with my friends so much right now. but, nesting is close at hand, and then the hanging out will be endless. it's time for fires, and chicken pot pie, and knitting parties.

and it's not far from my mind that i'm also preparing for other things in my life. when i wake in the AM, i think about what my day would look like with a family. it's all forecasting at this point, the reality will of course be different.

all of these preparations lead back to the same path- family, love, hope, faith, intention, and missions.

more on this later....

paint job

i'm trying to figure out new paint colors.

i have a small house. with not much natural light coming in. i learned, from experience, that i have to choose extremely light colors, because otherwise, it get real dark, real fast.

i stood in the home improvement store for what felt like a very long time. i couldn't choose a shower curtain either.

but, i get to start showering at my house again. which is so, so good. but thanks chooch and summer for the showers this week.

this weekend feels like christmas- home improvement, getting the first week of this new training out of the way. old friends, new friends. so good.

next week will start the paint job, big cleaning up projects, and getting ready for fall planting.

kid

i'm trying to make the most of my internet for the next few hours, since it will be gone for a week, while home improvement is happening.

i might actually miss chatting. i could go into withdrawals. please text me extensively for the next week.

a week from today, i will be having dinner with kris, one of all time fave folks. it comes just in the nick of time. i need a fill up.

annie is almost three. i think about life when she came to me. and life now. a lot has happened. we are both settling into life a lot more calmly. i'm appreciating it.

so, i've been mostly single for about three years. part of that was intentional, part of it just happened.

in that time, i realized i really, without question, want to be a parent. i didn't know how to tread through this without a partner. should i wait? i don't know. what i do know is this- i want a life bigger than me. in the kid way.

as much as i would love a traditional family model, as traditional as i get, i want a family. period. and i'm really single right now. and i'm 32. i need to figure out my potentials.

four years ago, i signed up for a seminar on open adoptions with an agency that works with non-traditional families. before attending, i realized i wasn't ready. i was still so sad and angry after finding out i couldn't biologically have a child. i was sad and angry over a couple of other things as well.

time has been good to me.

four years later, i'm signing up again. they don't work with single parent models. but, they encouraged me to still attend and i'm going anyway. i want to know all of my options.

hopeful. excited. scared. overwhelmed. peaceful. happy. calm. confident. completely blissed out. this is how i'm feeling.

i've thought about this for a very long time.

i'm so nervous to talk about this. it's big. i'm trying to not do my thing of throwing out something HUGE, really fast, and jumping back, because i think this may be surprising for folks. and i'm really excited for companions on any of this trip. i was really nervous to tell anyone. but, i want people to know what i'm working towards. and wishing for. from the very start. i want others to hold up hope with me.

stage hand

you know, when everything seems to be going in every direction. and it becomes so hard to keep a tight grip, that it actually becomes easy to just let go. watch what happens. and then pick up any pieces that may have scattered.

i have too much going on right now.

i'm working a lot, which means a lot stress and exhaustion. who knew sitting at a desk could be exhausting? i'm having a lot of work done on the house, which means disarray. i'm trying to keep up with a social life, that feels more and more out of reach. and i was really hoping that i was setting a foundation for a relationship with someone. a seemingly pretty amazing someone.

all of this adds up quickly. the relationship potential, i believe, is gone, as much as i wish it wasn't. turns out, i have a lot to learn about relationships. the friends will hang in there, and hang out with me again when i'm not so swamped. work, well, work is going to stay busy. and the house, well, it's a 1928 farmhouse. and i love it. it will always need work. and i'm happy to be able to get some of it done.

so, my big splurge this week was tickets to a trans- cabaret show for saturday night. i was exhausted yesterday, and somewhat grateful that the house stuff got pushed back another day. moving everything out of four rooms of my house is a lot of work for one person. so, i moved some stuff. took a nap. picked up michelle and went to meet jess and jp at the show.

i need to give some background here. i can, at times, suffer from social anxiety. its not at all uncommon for me to stand in front of large numbers of people, and train, or talk. sometimes this is easy for me. sometimes, i black out. i still function, but afterwards, i may really have no recollection of what i've said. auto pilot kicks in, and it usually does me well. but, even going to the grocery store can set me off. meeting someone new can be excrutiating.

i've worked on it for a long time. and having made the decision to go off anxiety meds, i think i do pretty well. i accept a certain amount of anxiety, and don't criticize myself for it. and i also work to avoid it.

i'm not sure if jess knew any of this. but michelle and jp are pretty well versed in it. they've seen me talk in front of folks enough times to know that i can pull it off, but i may have to ask them later how it went.

okay, back to last night. we had tickets, but on the way up, we got a call, asking if we could help out and volunteer. they needed two people to take tickets. sure. of course.

michelle gave me the look. the same one jp would give me when we arrived. the, "are you sure? it's socializing?' look.

sure. because, sometimes, when i have something to do, i love being around lots of folks. but i usually need a mission. taking tickets, that sounds perfect.

but, actually, the ticket taking position was filled. they needed two ushers, a filmer, and a stage hand. i said i would do whatever was most needed. jp suggested i be the stage hand, as it would mean interacting with the least amount of people.

here's more background. i am, hands down, the clumsiest person i know. the idea of carrying things on and off the stage, in a timely and non clumsy manner, set my pulse racing. but, i wanted to be helpful. okay, i'll be the stage hand.

thank god jess wanted to be the stage hand. michelle and i would usher.

somehow, though, when i went back to meet the performers, it was decided that two stagehands would be better.

crap.

it was hard to hear the performer's instructions. i was supposed to go pick up clothes after the first number. okay, i can do that. we thought it was supposed to be thirty minutes long. it was five. so jess and i were late.

we were supposed to be done after that. they asked us to stay. and help more.

sure.

they had specifically told us that we would not be moving the podium. that they would take care of it.

at the last minute, they start calling for the podium. they're looking at me. i feel compelled to move the podium. with a dolly.

now, let me throw it out here, that i said to them twice, "you don't want me to touch that podium, i'm really clumsy."

ugh.

i took the podium out to the wrong side of the stage. then, i wheeled it back around to the correct side of the stage. and when i went to set it down, in the slowest of motions, i watch the podium swing forward, off the dolly, and to the floor.

in true form, i make a face, and start laughing so much i really can't go pick it up. i just looked at the performer, and said, 'well, now it's in two pieces.' she was not amused. even a little bit. the podium was actually two pieces, and not broken. i got it standing up, but i guess it was lopsided. i can hear jess from back stage, laughing hysterically. and i can't stop laughing.

this was somehow only amusing to me and jess.

we were quickly dismissed from our stage handing duties.

we giggled from the back row for the rest of the show.

jp found us afterwards and asked if i was giving up ever going out in public again.

nope. the good news is, it was so ridiculous, it's just funny.

and, the other good news is, there were only 37 people there. i counted.

unyielding faith

i got home from work at midnight last night. we had a lot of time to talk while we pushed updates.

we talked about mccain's choice of palin. we talked about obama's speech.

i came home and started watching. this is an older video.



i love barack obama. i love barack obama the way i suspect my parents loved jfk. the way the grandparents loved roosevelt. and on and on.

i'm ready for his unyielding faith. and my own.

lychee

i keep meaning to write this, and keep forgetting.

i have been talking about felix the cat bubble gum since leaving the philippines in 1981.

i loved this confection. as far as gum goes, i kind of remember it falling apart a lot.

as far as pure deliciousness goes, it was the finest candy i ever had. it was not too sweet, sort of citrus-ey, soft, wonderful tangy deliciousness. for years prior to my first communion, i remember earnestly believing that communion wafers would taste the same way because they seemed to be a similar size, color and texture to this felix the cat bubble gum. i was so mad at first communion. no offense, jesus.

i've never found anything else that tasted like it.

so, for everyone who's heard me talk about how much i want more felix the cat bubble gum, i finally found out what flavor it is- lychee. i got some dried lychee the other day. and was instantly transported back to being five years old.

as i rolled the flavor of the dried lychee in my mouth the way you can only do with a memory, the sweet-ish, savory-ish, pure childhood happiness memory came back.

accidental authorization

on the one hand, i really, really love my job.

on the other hand, well, it's the other hand.

we're setting up a new training space. it is all being done very last minute, with a lot of pressured decisions, and exhausted people.

i am not the lead on this project. but, i took the role of setting up the space. upon walking in, i was met with a lot of questions. i have a habit, one i picked up in mediation classes, of nodding my head, repeating what people say, and saying, 'okay' or 'hmmmm...' a lot. i do this while i am mentally storing the info i'm getting, not actually processing it.

this strategy gets me in a lot of trouble. for instance, this week. the first day i was in the new space, i had a lot of questions around the details of the space. mostly around, 'hey, when are things like chairs and printers showing up?'

so, when i was told that we were getting two local printers, and configuring student laptops to the network was not possible, i shook my head and said, 'okay.'

i make a habit of not making decisions at work. i like to take info and hand it to my manager, and let her make decisions. which is what i did.

it turns out, the printer situation was a question, not the statement of fact it sounded like. and my head nod was taken as official authorization. i was told this the next day. because there was some commotion about the decision, and my name was listed as the person who authorized the decision.

so, i accidentally authorized crap. dammit.

i've been jumpy ever since. i'm a complicated communicator. which means, i'm a really poor communicator when it comes to my own stuff. we all are, i know. but, in my life, i keep trying to follow everyone else's leads, like i'm in a mediation, and it just causes all sorts of miscommunications. because it's my life, not a mediation. i'm not a unbiased third party. i'm a justifiably biased first party. at some point, i'm going to realize that mediation strategy in real time of my life is bad, bad communication.

what i need to do is just start saying what i think. kindly, compassionately, but clearly, which i'm also not very good with all the time.

right after this, i had a terribly convoluted personal conversation. which ended up much the same way. vascilating between reacting whe not on my best game to begin with, and trying to follow someone's lead. but misinterpreting her. horribly. i accidentally authorized crap there too. and, it was a crap decision that i don't think either of us actually wanted, now that i step back. but, i don't know how much fixing can be done on that front.

so......

here's my grateful list for today-

jess' porch
amazing, amazing friends
home improvement
zip up sweaters
annie, the wonder dog
netflix
baths
cabaret shows
brother

big tall man by liz phair

I'm a big, tall man
I cut the grass
My left eye hurts
I am waiting and reading parts
I can be a complicated communicator

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Zeus and Athens
Florida driveway
Asphalt and tires
Sand and the beach
Rocker panel
Headlights in the dark
I am drag racing
Drag

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Fog and the distance beyond it
Boats and the quiet morning noises
I'm walking the shoreline
A beer and a cigarette
A bug with twitching antennae
A button-up short sleeved shirt

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

I'm a big, tall man
I cut the grass
My left eye hurts
I can be a complicated communicator

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Yes, I'm careening down / Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

you are off track

i'm working in a new to me facility today. before i jumped in the shower this morning, i searched for directions in my phone navigator. while it's accurate, it's very hard to hear or see when i'm driving, so i meant to get the directions and write them down. it takes a few minutes to generate, so i got in the shower and forgot all about it.

i live alone. i've had a lot on my mind the past few days, and didn't start any music this morning. so, the house was very, very quiet.

while i was in the shower i heard, 'you are off track!' it was a startlingly clear and loud woman's voice. i do my best thinking in the shower. i was deep in a thought. so, to have this message delivered in the middle of thinking about what i was thinking about was eery. i took me a minute to realize it was my phone navigation system. which was becoming impatient with the fact that i had not moved yet.

things are good. growing pains abound, as always. i'm trying to be balanced. and while my companions last night could potentially tell you that i was a wee bit self-absorbed and dramatic with my growing pains last night, they would also tell you that my growing pains have moved from painful for everyone involved to mostly funny, sometimes sad, always with gravity, growing pains. and this is the point where i have to throw in- geez, my friends and family are so good.

that being said, i think it's time to keep my head down. chop some wood and haul some water for a little while. balanced, of course, with some bliss moments. but with a mission to stay on track.

the bathroom is being redone, and the wood floors are getting a makeover this weekend. i could just about do cartwheels.

the fam is coming for a visit in april. i'm excitedly planning.

i think i'm taking annie to the beach this weekend. and taking myself to a trans- cabaret show. and then hot water music next weekend. maybe. so good.

i am on track.

looking forward

my boss reminds me often that we all need things to look forward to. it's an essential part of happiness.

i agree.

though impatience can cloud the unadulterated happiness of looking forward.

here's what i'm looking forward to-

dinner with kris daniels soon-ish
actually beginning this training
a new roommate (?)
new floors (?)
9/8/2008
figuring out how annie is getting out of the fenced yard
lush yards and gardens
soup weather
hammock
hot water music

i highly recommend listening to michael runion, fyi.

august

i love august. particularly in western washington. it is just about perfect.

i feel this huge push to get my house in order. purge excess stuff. fix the shower. stain the fence. grade the driveway. get the gardens ready for third plantings. finish ripping out the carpets, and figure out what to do with the floors. and get a roommate. stat.

i am both motivated and overwhelmed. the house is torn up until i can get some help with the rest of the carpet.

but i don't feel like i can do much else until i get these things crossed off my list. most hanging out is taking place at my place. and don't mind me if i'm pulling up tackboard or weeds while you tell me about your day.

and... don't be surprised if i call a work party here soon. but, don't worry, there will be plenty of music, and beer, and good food, and fun. and appreciation on my part.

i'm grateful for a lot these days. even though i did just hit the hell out of my hand with a hammer. i should wear my glasses while i work....

auagust makes me think of arkansas. cotton fields. here's the song running through my head today-

she by gram parsons, though i'm partial to the pretenders cover

she, she came from the land of the cotton
land that was nearly forgotten by everyone
and she, she worked and she slaved so hard
a big old field was her back yard in the delta sun
ooh, but she sure could sing
ooh, she sure could sing
then he looked down and he took a little pity
the whole town swore he decided he'd help her some
but he didn't mind if she wasn't very pretty
for deep inside his heart he knew she was the only one
ooh, but she sure could sing
yeah, she sure could sing
she had faith, she had believing
she led all the people together in singing
and she prayed every night to the lord up above
singing hallelujah, ooh hallelujah
they use to walk singing songs by the river
even when she knew for sure she had to go away
and she never knew what her life had to give her
and never had to worry about it for one single day
ooh my but she sure could sing
ooh, she sure could sing
she had faith, she had believing
led all the people together in singing
and she prayed every night to the lord up above
singing hallelujah, ooh hallelujah
she, she came from the land of the cotton
land that was nearly forgotten by everyone
and she, she worked and she slaved so hard
a big old field was her back yard in the delta sun
ooh, but she sure could sing
my, my, my she sure could sing
ooh, yeah she sure could sing
ooh, she sure could sing

the dishwashers dream

i listened to this song a lot earlier this summer. i adore these few lines-

the dishwashers dream by marah
I awoke to the sound of Monique calling out from her nightmarish side of our bed...
As I reached out to touch her sweet head
And as the sweat on her face found a new resting place
On the tip of my fingers I leaned
Into her ear and told her no fear

those last three lines...

birthday buzz

i keep forgetting to mention my birthday.

it was... so good!

dinners, and drinks, and a movie, and lots of friends, stretched over the course of several days. and lots of great surprises.

i keep writing cryptic blogs about how happy and am, and how nervous that makes me. it's a luxury problem, i know. i'm working on it.

so, now, i am officially tuckered out from celebrating, and am kind of happy that so many folks are out of town this weekend. i will work on the house, and catch up on things.

old friends, and newer friends, and even, especially, the newest, thanks for a great birthday!

more on batman later...

new song

i need to learn some new songs. all mine are old. and bitter.

okay, so someone recently shared a 'things i'm grateful for today' list. and it reminded me that i am not giving things their due.

so, here's mine for today-

fresh berries from the garden
annie
deep breaths
potential
perspective
stretching
unlimited phone plans
kris daniels, and cottey girls
the 8th ave girls
songs i've never heard before
singing out loud
responsibility

i'll be sitting on my front porch, sending out some sparks to the universe, if you're looking for me.

i believe in falling down.

i believe in falling down. and standing back up.

the trick, though, is not taking anyone down with you. turns out, you can't brush the hurt off someone else. i know better.

i got this letter last night. it was an amazing letter. made me feel so good, it hurt. thank you mr. davis.

i feel muddled today. a couple of weeks ago, i wrote my own letter. and submitted it to the universe. and i got the response i didn't think possible. but it threw me off. and while i don't love leaving anymore, it's still the groove worn in my path. and i totally fell over in it.

hey there mrs. lovely by ryan adams

Hey There Mrs. Lovely

Well girl sometimes I feel just a boy
Put here on the earth for you to toy round with
I'm the plastic 3-inch armies you destroy
I'm the monster under neath your bed y'ain't afraid of yet

She let me in
And I feel all right
Yeah I feel all right

Hey there Mrs. Lovely are you coming out to play
I've been stranded on your door step every night and day
And I want you so bad but when you cry I get scared
Wanna dry your eyes with cinnamon and pears

You used to only want your two front teeth
But Christmas time it came it went, you ended up with me
And we started playing Twister with our tongues
We probably should have scrapped the game and gave ourselves some hugs

And I toy with you
And you toy with me
Can you stop this shit please?

Hey there Mrs. Lovely are you coming out to play
I've been stranded on your door step every night and day
And I want you so bad but when you cry I get scared
Wanna dry your eyes with cinnamon and pears
And pears
And pills
And pills

up until recently, i thought this was an accurate love song. what the fuck was wrong with me? the good news? i get to take the cinnamon and pears bit, because it's good. but, the rest, i'm done with.

dammit. i wish standing back up were enough.

sonny-girl

my dryer broke.

i posted a help wanted ad on craigslist. no go.

i started making phone calls. i got this funny guy named jim.

he said he'd be over in 20 minutes. i was sold.

jim is probably about 78 years old. he got out of his van, smiled at me, and said, 'well, son, here i am.' i am sensitive about my gender these days. mostly, i wished i passed differently than i do. and mostly, i just don't want it to be a a big deal, whatever gets me through the interaction.

he looked at me a moment longer. and said, 'ah, you're a sonny-girl, huh? not a son, not a girl. you're my sonny-girl for today.'

i was in love. instantly. no one else, in the whole world, could have gotten away with this.

he had the dryer fixed in 10 minutes flat. while he told me stories of dryer fires, his time in the navy, and how much he disikes maytag, and architects. oh, he also believes all men are stupid. and providence is a hospital run the way its supposed to be run, because its run by women.

again, no one gets away with gender talk like this with me. except, now, for jim.

he shook my hand on the way out. told me he liked my handshake. and made me promise to dry a load of laundry tonight, and call him to confirm the dryer was good.

i haven't been so pleased to hand someone $131 for ten minutes of work in my entire life.

oh, my love, this is our town...

it's leo season. it's never difficult times in leo season. and every town is our town...

here's the mission-

leo season playlist. name a song. more than one, if you like. any song that epitomizes this time of year. or this moment. the moment you're reading this.

i'll start it off with-

seeds of night- the cave singers

but don't let this playlist stay so soft.

ready. set. go.

i'll post the playlist once it's finished.

my heart throws sparks

while i make a habit of telling folks i love them, often, sometimes that just isn't enough.

so, when i write you a note, it is often signed with a heart, with little sparks throwing off it.

because i am just that happy. my heart has a habit of throwing sparks. in person, i'll actually tell you, 'yup, my heart just threw some sparks.'

now, the trick is not getting thrown off when folks throw them back. but i'm working on it.

and it's good. the sparks just aren't as good when the heart is under wraps. so, here comes the sun, i guess.

oh yeah, and maybe even some cartwheels in the street.

fence

i'm getting a fence. i'm really happy to be getting this fence. it means less stress for me. and more playdates for annie.

thinking about fences naturally leads me to boundaries. which have also been on my mind a lot. well, boundaries and vulnerability.

turns out, it's really easy to be stable; when i avoid any sort of vulnerability. now that i'm putting effort into my relationships, it's clobbering me.

i met a girl. i really liked her. i went to pick her up. at the train station. which, of course, lent itself to a 'sweet avenue' reference. she was foxy. and then some. and i turned off. because liking her made me uncomfortable. remember when liking someone made you feel good? now, it makes me feel scared. and insecure. and i present all the parts of me that i don't even like. i was, officially, a tool. because if i reject myself first, then it is somehow better. at least i'm not an asshole anymore, i'm just a tool. because i've never done this sober. i've never actually really been vulnerable to someone when i was sober. i'm not dry. i drink. but i'm not constantly manic or hammered anymore.

so, no second date for us. i was hoping she'd hang in there, until i found my pace.

and maybe it wasn't because i was a tool. maybe i'm stinky. or we're just not a match. but, the whole time, all i wanted to do was say, 'i really like you. i hope you're patient. because i'm pretty sure it's gonna pay off. i only get this way when i really, really want something. and when i think it could actually work.'

but, i didn't say that. instead i sort of knocked her in the chin with my shoulder, as she leaned over to kiss my cheek, the way that i do when i'm awkward.

rooftop talk

rooftop talk- this is not a talk you have with someone who is thinking harrowing thoughts while standing uncomfortably close to the edge of a rooftop. a rooftop talk is the teenage and adult equivalent to a fort talk. or tire swing talk. or terabithia talk. it's the kind of conversation that can only happen in perfect moments. usually when closer to the sky, but not always.

i was sitting outside the brotherhood with michelle last week. we talked. i haven't had a conversation like that in a long time. i told her stories i'd never told before. she pointed out a few things. i looked away even though it felt good to be seen.

a few hours later, i got a message from michelle. there was a mix cd waiting for me to pick up on her porch. she has a funny way of capturing moments with comp cds, like others capture moments with pictures.

minno by hot water music
if you hear this i hope it eases some troubles you left with i'm not sure what to say but i think i would've known that last day you said you had the goals to come out on top to set you up to live untouched by all the things that kept you from keeping up then we heard and we hurt and we scorned we burned for last words now lost the silence we sat through the breakdown the laughter the shelter and the future you planned on-i'll miss them i hope you're in a better place with soul set free i hope you're still singing loud with soul set free too bad you're not around for us to see but i still feel you around like you never left us

while the song perfectly references something we talked about, not me, i realized after having it repeat far too many times for my own good, that i've been trying to live untouched. those times i have offered myself, it's been with restriction, with fear, with anger. with the expectation that love meant heartbreak and loss, because the first girl i loved, who told me she loved me back, was lost to all of us, way too young, and way too soon. way too soon for her short life, and just moments after we talked. and she was lost completely without warning.

i didn't know how much i needed that rooftop talk. or how much i needed, and need, michelle. or how i needed to finally realize this thing i do. and i may just keep the song on repeat for a little while longer. because its been too long since i've been able to feel this. even though it can take away my breath, leave me speechless, leave me feeling seventeen and desolate again. maybe this time, i can finally walk away.

return

i went on hiatus from all things theory for a while. i wanted to see what being was like. make sure my being was authentic. it's not that i think theory is inauthentic. in fact, i think theory validates as it questions, it presses out the edges. theory even crumples the texture, for more surface area.

but, for me, i needed to step away. and time got away from me. there's so much more theory available now than even five years ago. i'm behind. on gender. oppression. relations. my language is outdated. my models are flat in comparison.

i'm listening more than talking. absorbing more than releasing. and for the first time since coming out, i'm questioning how to describe myself. someone offered me this recently-

from butch is a noun:

I know what butch is. Butches are not beginner FTMs, except that sometimes they are, but it's not a continuum except when it is. Butch is not a trans identity unless the butch in question says it is, in which case it is, unless the tranny in question say it isn't, in which case it's not. There's no such thing as butch flight, no matter what the femmes or elders say, unless saying that invalidates the opinions of femmes in a sexist fashion or the opinions of elders in an ageist fashion. Or if they're right. But they are not, because butch and transgender are the same thing with different names, except that butch is not a trans identity, unless it is; see above.

and all i can say is, 'yes.'