stage hand

you know, when everything seems to be going in every direction. and it becomes so hard to keep a tight grip, that it actually becomes easy to just let go. watch what happens. and then pick up any pieces that may have scattered.

i have too much going on right now.

i'm working a lot, which means a lot stress and exhaustion. who knew sitting at a desk could be exhausting? i'm having a lot of work done on the house, which means disarray. i'm trying to keep up with a social life, that feels more and more out of reach. and i was really hoping that i was setting a foundation for a relationship with someone. a seemingly pretty amazing someone.

all of this adds up quickly. the relationship potential, i believe, is gone, as much as i wish it wasn't. turns out, i have a lot to learn about relationships. the friends will hang in there, and hang out with me again when i'm not so swamped. work, well, work is going to stay busy. and the house, well, it's a 1928 farmhouse. and i love it. it will always need work. and i'm happy to be able to get some of it done.

so, my big splurge this week was tickets to a trans- cabaret show for saturday night. i was exhausted yesterday, and somewhat grateful that the house stuff got pushed back another day. moving everything out of four rooms of my house is a lot of work for one person. so, i moved some stuff. took a nap. picked up michelle and went to meet jess and jp at the show.

i need to give some background here. i can, at times, suffer from social anxiety. its not at all uncommon for me to stand in front of large numbers of people, and train, or talk. sometimes this is easy for me. sometimes, i black out. i still function, but afterwards, i may really have no recollection of what i've said. auto pilot kicks in, and it usually does me well. but, even going to the grocery store can set me off. meeting someone new can be excrutiating.

i've worked on it for a long time. and having made the decision to go off anxiety meds, i think i do pretty well. i accept a certain amount of anxiety, and don't criticize myself for it. and i also work to avoid it.

i'm not sure if jess knew any of this. but michelle and jp are pretty well versed in it. they've seen me talk in front of folks enough times to know that i can pull it off, but i may have to ask them later how it went.

okay, back to last night. we had tickets, but on the way up, we got a call, asking if we could help out and volunteer. they needed two people to take tickets. sure. of course.

michelle gave me the look. the same one jp would give me when we arrived. the, "are you sure? it's socializing?' look.

sure. because, sometimes, when i have something to do, i love being around lots of folks. but i usually need a mission. taking tickets, that sounds perfect.

but, actually, the ticket taking position was filled. they needed two ushers, a filmer, and a stage hand. i said i would do whatever was most needed. jp suggested i be the stage hand, as it would mean interacting with the least amount of people.

here's more background. i am, hands down, the clumsiest person i know. the idea of carrying things on and off the stage, in a timely and non clumsy manner, set my pulse racing. but, i wanted to be helpful. okay, i'll be the stage hand.

thank god jess wanted to be the stage hand. michelle and i would usher.

somehow, though, when i went back to meet the performers, it was decided that two stagehands would be better.

crap.

it was hard to hear the performer's instructions. i was supposed to go pick up clothes after the first number. okay, i can do that. we thought it was supposed to be thirty minutes long. it was five. so jess and i were late.

we were supposed to be done after that. they asked us to stay. and help more.

sure.

they had specifically told us that we would not be moving the podium. that they would take care of it.

at the last minute, they start calling for the podium. they're looking at me. i feel compelled to move the podium. with a dolly.

now, let me throw it out here, that i said to them twice, "you don't want me to touch that podium, i'm really clumsy."

ugh.

i took the podium out to the wrong side of the stage. then, i wheeled it back around to the correct side of the stage. and when i went to set it down, in the slowest of motions, i watch the podium swing forward, off the dolly, and to the floor.

in true form, i make a face, and start laughing so much i really can't go pick it up. i just looked at the performer, and said, 'well, now it's in two pieces.' she was not amused. even a little bit. the podium was actually two pieces, and not broken. i got it standing up, but i guess it was lopsided. i can hear jess from back stage, laughing hysterically. and i can't stop laughing.

this was somehow only amusing to me and jess.

we were quickly dismissed from our stage handing duties.

we giggled from the back row for the rest of the show.

jp found us afterwards and asked if i was giving up ever going out in public again.

nope. the good news is, it was so ridiculous, it's just funny.

and, the other good news is, there were only 37 people there. i counted.