return

i went on hiatus from all things theory for a while. i wanted to see what being was like. make sure my being was authentic. it's not that i think theory is inauthentic. in fact, i think theory validates as it questions, it presses out the edges. theory even crumples the texture, for more surface area.

but, for me, i needed to step away. and time got away from me. there's so much more theory available now than even five years ago. i'm behind. on gender. oppression. relations. my language is outdated. my models are flat in comparison.

i'm listening more than talking. absorbing more than releasing. and for the first time since coming out, i'm questioning how to describe myself. someone offered me this recently-

from butch is a noun:

I know what butch is. Butches are not beginner FTMs, except that sometimes they are, but it's not a continuum except when it is. Butch is not a trans identity unless the butch in question says it is, in which case it is, unless the tranny in question say it isn't, in which case it's not. There's no such thing as butch flight, no matter what the femmes or elders say, unless saying that invalidates the opinions of femmes in a sexist fashion or the opinions of elders in an ageist fashion. Or if they're right. But they are not, because butch and transgender are the same thing with different names, except that butch is not a trans identity, unless it is; see above.

and all i can say is, 'yes.'