looking forward

one month later, and i haven't cried on the commute since that post. i still cry when i talk to mike, or suzanne, or dad. it's one of those things where we all know our lives have changed, but we also know that we don't really know how yet.

maybe it's the change in weather, and days getting longer. or maybe it's that four months have passed, and it's just time to look forward. maybe i really believe the dream about mom, that i'm comfortable with love. that i've been ready, i just didn't realize it. something changed when mom died. my heart didn't just break, it broke open. i knew that even as i was visiting her in the hospital.

since that night, of the dream, i've let people back in, farther than before. i'm realizing how jaded i've been. and how much it no longer serves me.

i'm looking forward, and making plans, and it doesn't feel like going through the motions, or inappropriate while grieving.

it feels like living.

it feels like intention.

all about love

i have a tendency to be objective based. wandering can be nice, but i do better with a purpose, even if not always a destination.

since i was a kid, i have always had working missions. they've evolved from learning to fly as a kid, to creating queer spaces as an adult. though, i have an itch to fly again. when i was a kid, i raced hot air balloons. races require a minimum of three people in a basket. this is usually comprised of one adult and two kids, to keep weight at a minimum. my dad and grandfather were pilots. i grew up around flight. my favorite kind of flights were hot air balloons and gliders. i had a thing for no engines.

in the past year, i adopted a mission to find love. in all it's forms. i wanted to stretch my definition of love past the limited romantic boundaries i had set around it. i loved my parents, i loved my friends. but somehow, that didn't count for me as love. only romantic-in-love-love counted as love. it was, in fact, a kind of score sheet i kept.

i had been mostly single for three years already. i had dated a little. had a couple of girlfriends. but no one who required a conversation prior to making choices like, buying a car.

i had been cutting down on my love addiction for a few years. i wasn't ready to go cold turkey, but i wasn't going on any benders, either.

next step- really get to know love. how it works. why it works. know where i could find it, even the surprising places. start seeing it for more than what i held it to be.

in order to do that, i decided to start dating as a way of getting to know people. rather than as a way to start a relationship. i even made a surrender pact with a friend. i would surrender to the universe. if someone asked me on a date, as long it didn't cross any of my actual boundaries, i had to say yes. i couldn't hem and haw and flake out. and i did give in to it. it was good.

i wrote a relationship manifesto. i wrote choose your own adventure posts on craigslist and called them writing assignments. i dated. i really liked everyone i dated. but no girlfriends. i began to think i would never choose a girlfriend. that being said, i did get a little flakey on the surrender front when work picked up.

but another funny thing happened. i began thinking about love when i was happy. when i was angry. when i was lonely. it started as a word, and then it grew. to a concept. to a philosophy. to a feeling. to a commitment. i found myself taking care of things. in a joyful way. i got to know people. in ways i never had before. and i loved them the more i got to know them, especially when realizing our differences. and i stopped listening to jawbreaker so much. well, at least i cut down considerably. and ryan adams was out.

the funny thing- i found myself thankful for so many things. i found myself breathing more. deeper. i found myself calmer. and happier. i found myself doing more. for myself. for others. for my community. i found myself less scared. i stopped holding my breath when i walked past the parking lot where i was assaulted four years ago. i started laughing more. from my core. how was i possibly falling in love for so long without laughing and breathing?

i found myself expecting great things. and they happened. and they keep happening. i wanna do cartwheels in the street most days. i want to dance.

i find love everywhere. my heart throws sparks most of the time.

part of this mission to find love meant separating myself from my bender romantic notions. i miss them, i do.

and sometimes i'm still lonely. part of that love business meant being on my own more.

of course i haven't given up on the deeper than the river, dancing in the kitchen at the end of the night love. one of these days, i'm going to find myself laughing and breathing and surrendering in just the right ways to that slow, steady, even though i may have had a clue at first glance romantic love. with maybe a few big nights on the town, but no more love benders or hangovers. i really do believe i will find not a girl, but the right girl. just not tomorrow. i'm not naive enough to think i've got all the answers. in many ways, falling in love will be a completely new exercise for me. it will challenge me in ways i never before recognized. but as jess put it, 'doyle, you're smart enough to know it's worth the work. and you'll know when it's right." and he's right.

we'll see what happens. but i'm expecting great things. and anyway, i found more love than i even know what to do with most days. which gives me a lot of work to do. i've barely scratched the surface of this love business.

knitting while champagne jamming

note to self-

do not knit while drinking champagne with friends on sundays.

just sayin'.

love and gratitude

i don't know how we got onto the subject, but we started talking about the power of positive thoughts last night.

of course, i thought of glen, and his ability to orate, in a non-stop loop, about the power of positive thinking. while this autistic presentation of constant cadence bore hard on others, i looked forward to working with glen for a few hours every week. listening to the words, 'and that's the power of positive thinking' every fifth sentence always left me beaming. of course, all of our conversations were monologues, with a little tap on my shoulder every now and then to let me know he knew i was still listening. they were also peppered with a running tally of the number of gmc trucks that had passed in the last hour, day, week.

the conversations were also full of glen's hopes for family, college, work and a gmc truck of his own. but, it was more than hope, it was confidence. glen had no doubt that if he thought positively about things, for long enough, with equal parts gratitude for what had been given to him in life, all his hopes would manifest true.

enter last night's conversation. there is a book called 'the miracle of water.' it's a photo study of water molecules that have been exposed to positive or negative energy, then frozen to form crystals. the results are compelling.

the crystals exposed to negative thoughts are fractured, and chaotic, while the crystals exposed to positive thoughts are not. the work is far more intensive, working on large bodies of water, then the effects of drinking 'positive' water, and so on.

here's the hook- the two thoughts given to the positive crystals- love and gratitude.

the results

my 30 day surrender pact is up.

here's what happened-

i learned that i need to ask and work for what i want, not just be happy with all that is offered.

i mean, by all means, be happy for the offerings! and... i need to work a little more on being less passive.

part of being open meant releasing- sometimes releasing hope, sometimes releasing nonsense. i had to release the notion that my friends can fulfill all of my relationship needs. summer and michelle are off being blissed out with others, and i realized how much stock i was putting in all of us being single for a while.

i met some folks. went out with some folks. will be going out again with some folks. its been great.

here's my task list-

• find my footing.
• stop accepting nonsense from folks. better opportunites will come. even if they don't, it's better than nonsense.
• stop waiting for folks to initiate everything, no matter what the stakes or arena or intent. get to know the woman i've wanted to get to know for three months. oh, and stop looking away every time she talks to me. or when she's so kindly introducing me to everyone at knitting group.
• keep working on this releasing business.

the last thing i learned- as much as i want a relationship, as much as the lonelies can tackle me when i'm with my friends, all of whom are now coupled, it's just not something i can jump right into.

oh wait, the real last thing- i owe a lot to surrender. i'm gonna keep it in my back pocket.

this is my bedtime story

IF there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled – Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It’s the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he’s fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation’s next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House. And while she’s no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics – you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you’ve sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to – it belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn’t start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington – it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.

It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation’s apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

I know you didn’t do this just to win an election and I know you didn’t do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime – two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor’s bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America – I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you – we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it’s been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years – block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began twenty-one months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek – it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it’s that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers – in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House – a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, “We are not enemies, but friends…though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.” And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn – I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world – our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand. To those who would tear this world down – we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security – we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America’s beacon still burns as bright – tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

For that is the true genius of America – that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that’s on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She’s a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing – Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons – because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century in America – the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that “We Shall Overcome.” Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves – if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time – to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth – that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

Yes We Can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America.

homesick

fall always feels nostalgic to me. this can leave me feeling completely at home in the world, wherever i am. and sometimes, it leaves me feeling homesick.

lately, i've been feeling homesick. i've moved a lot, so i always have people to visit, but i can sometimes notice that i don't have everyone in one place.

i'm also working a lot, and feeling, in general, disconnected. feeling disconnected always causes me grief.

enter stacy. stacy, one of my oldest friends (we've known each other since 7th grade) is coming into seattle this week. stacy is also one of those friends, that just keeps getting better with time. as much as i loved and appreciated stacy when i was 17, those feelings have grown exponentially since then. as we continue to experience life, i am amazed at the similarities and differences of our two lives. and how our ties continue to weave themselves through.

i loved high school. i love being from arkansas. my high school friends are still very much a part of my life, and it's times like this that i'm painfully aware that i can't drive over and hang out with someone i've known for more than half of my life.

the good news- my newer friends, while newer, are just as important to me. and handily, in closer proximity.

needless to say, i'm really looking forward to the visit with an old friend. i'm really looking forward to feeling at home.

and on that note, i received news that one of our schoolmates suddenly passed away. while katie was a year younger than me, i looked up to her, and all of her family, a lot. katie will be missed.

geez.......

i forgot to mention...

i got an awesome new job!

and my house projects are wrapping up.

and, life is supremely fantastic these days.

sickness and all...

prepare

i'm in getting ready mode.

the house is undergoing some upkeep. the inside walls are getting new paint. things are getting tidied up.

in lots of ways.

i've been really messy for a few years now. while it wasn't a good kind of messy, it served a certain purpose.

i'm moving back to tidy. it's easier there.

annie has a fence, and playdates. she got to play with jackson for a few hours tonight.

i have a home i can breathe easier in. i still have a lot of projects, but i feel like they can wait. next summer will be another set.

work is coming together for me. i feel grateful for two jobs i love so much.

the balance is not getting to hang with my friends so much right now. but, nesting is close at hand, and then the hanging out will be endless. it's time for fires, and chicken pot pie, and knitting parties.

and it's not far from my mind that i'm also preparing for other things in my life. when i wake in the AM, i think about what my day would look like with a family. it's all forecasting at this point, the reality will of course be different.

all of these preparations lead back to the same path- family, love, hope, faith, intention, and missions.

more on this later....

kid

i'm trying to make the most of my internet for the next few hours, since it will be gone for a week, while home improvement is happening.

i might actually miss chatting. i could go into withdrawals. please text me extensively for the next week.

a week from today, i will be having dinner with kris, one of all time fave folks. it comes just in the nick of time. i need a fill up.

annie is almost three. i think about life when she came to me. and life now. a lot has happened. we are both settling into life a lot more calmly. i'm appreciating it.

so, i've been mostly single for about three years. part of that was intentional, part of it just happened.

in that time, i realized i really, without question, want to be a parent. i didn't know how to tread through this without a partner. should i wait? i don't know. what i do know is this- i want a life bigger than me. in the kid way.

as much as i would love a traditional family model, as traditional as i get, i want a family. period. and i'm really single right now. and i'm 32. i need to figure out my potentials.

four years ago, i signed up for a seminar on open adoptions with an agency that works with non-traditional families. before attending, i realized i wasn't ready. i was still so sad and angry after finding out i couldn't biologically have a child. i was sad and angry over a couple of other things as well.

time has been good to me.

four years later, i'm signing up again. they don't work with single parent models. but, they encouraged me to still attend and i'm going anyway. i want to know all of my options.

hopeful. excited. scared. overwhelmed. peaceful. happy. calm. confident. completely blissed out. this is how i'm feeling.

i've thought about this for a very long time.

i'm so nervous to talk about this. it's big. i'm trying to not do my thing of throwing out something HUGE, really fast, and jumping back, because i think this may be surprising for folks. and i'm really excited for companions on any of this trip. i was really nervous to tell anyone. but, i want people to know what i'm working towards. and wishing for. from the very start. i want others to hold up hope with me.

stage hand

you know, when everything seems to be going in every direction. and it becomes so hard to keep a tight grip, that it actually becomes easy to just let go. watch what happens. and then pick up any pieces that may have scattered.

i have too much going on right now.

i'm working a lot, which means a lot stress and exhaustion. who knew sitting at a desk could be exhausting? i'm having a lot of work done on the house, which means disarray. i'm trying to keep up with a social life, that feels more and more out of reach. and i was really hoping that i was setting a foundation for a relationship with someone. a seemingly pretty amazing someone.

all of this adds up quickly. the relationship potential, i believe, is gone, as much as i wish it wasn't. turns out, i have a lot to learn about relationships. the friends will hang in there, and hang out with me again when i'm not so swamped. work, well, work is going to stay busy. and the house, well, it's a 1928 farmhouse. and i love it. it will always need work. and i'm happy to be able to get some of it done.

so, my big splurge this week was tickets to a trans- cabaret show for saturday night. i was exhausted yesterday, and somewhat grateful that the house stuff got pushed back another day. moving everything out of four rooms of my house is a lot of work for one person. so, i moved some stuff. took a nap. picked up michelle and went to meet jess and jp at the show.

i need to give some background here. i can, at times, suffer from social anxiety. its not at all uncommon for me to stand in front of large numbers of people, and train, or talk. sometimes this is easy for me. sometimes, i black out. i still function, but afterwards, i may really have no recollection of what i've said. auto pilot kicks in, and it usually does me well. but, even going to the grocery store can set me off. meeting someone new can be excrutiating.

i've worked on it for a long time. and having made the decision to go off anxiety meds, i think i do pretty well. i accept a certain amount of anxiety, and don't criticize myself for it. and i also work to avoid it.

i'm not sure if jess knew any of this. but michelle and jp are pretty well versed in it. they've seen me talk in front of folks enough times to know that i can pull it off, but i may have to ask them later how it went.

okay, back to last night. we had tickets, but on the way up, we got a call, asking if we could help out and volunteer. they needed two people to take tickets. sure. of course.

michelle gave me the look. the same one jp would give me when we arrived. the, "are you sure? it's socializing?' look.

sure. because, sometimes, when i have something to do, i love being around lots of folks. but i usually need a mission. taking tickets, that sounds perfect.

but, actually, the ticket taking position was filled. they needed two ushers, a filmer, and a stage hand. i said i would do whatever was most needed. jp suggested i be the stage hand, as it would mean interacting with the least amount of people.

here's more background. i am, hands down, the clumsiest person i know. the idea of carrying things on and off the stage, in a timely and non clumsy manner, set my pulse racing. but, i wanted to be helpful. okay, i'll be the stage hand.

thank god jess wanted to be the stage hand. michelle and i would usher.

somehow, though, when i went back to meet the performers, it was decided that two stagehands would be better.

crap.

it was hard to hear the performer's instructions. i was supposed to go pick up clothes after the first number. okay, i can do that. we thought it was supposed to be thirty minutes long. it was five. so jess and i were late.

we were supposed to be done after that. they asked us to stay. and help more.

sure.

they had specifically told us that we would not be moving the podium. that they would take care of it.

at the last minute, they start calling for the podium. they're looking at me. i feel compelled to move the podium. with a dolly.

now, let me throw it out here, that i said to them twice, "you don't want me to touch that podium, i'm really clumsy."

ugh.

i took the podium out to the wrong side of the stage. then, i wheeled it back around to the correct side of the stage. and when i went to set it down, in the slowest of motions, i watch the podium swing forward, off the dolly, and to the floor.

in true form, i make a face, and start laughing so much i really can't go pick it up. i just looked at the performer, and said, 'well, now it's in two pieces.' she was not amused. even a little bit. the podium was actually two pieces, and not broken. i got it standing up, but i guess it was lopsided. i can hear jess from back stage, laughing hysterically. and i can't stop laughing.

this was somehow only amusing to me and jess.

we were quickly dismissed from our stage handing duties.

we giggled from the back row for the rest of the show.

jp found us afterwards and asked if i was giving up ever going out in public again.

nope. the good news is, it was so ridiculous, it's just funny.

and, the other good news is, there were only 37 people there. i counted.

new song

i need to learn some new songs. all mine are old. and bitter.

okay, so someone recently shared a 'things i'm grateful for today' list. and it reminded me that i am not giving things their due.

so, here's mine for today-

fresh berries from the garden
annie
deep breaths
potential
perspective
stretching
unlimited phone plans
kris daniels, and cottey girls
the 8th ave girls
songs i've never heard before
singing out loud
responsibility

i'll be sitting on my front porch, sending out some sparks to the universe, if you're looking for me.

sonny-girl

my dryer broke.

i posted a help wanted ad on craigslist. no go.

i started making phone calls. i got this funny guy named jim.

he said he'd be over in 20 minutes. i was sold.

jim is probably about 78 years old. he got out of his van, smiled at me, and said, 'well, son, here i am.' i am sensitive about my gender these days. mostly, i wished i passed differently than i do. and mostly, i just don't want it to be a a big deal, whatever gets me through the interaction.

he looked at me a moment longer. and said, 'ah, you're a sonny-girl, huh? not a son, not a girl. you're my sonny-girl for today.'

i was in love. instantly. no one else, in the whole world, could have gotten away with this.

he had the dryer fixed in 10 minutes flat. while he told me stories of dryer fires, his time in the navy, and how much he disikes maytag, and architects. oh, he also believes all men are stupid. and providence is a hospital run the way its supposed to be run, because its run by women.

again, no one gets away with gender talk like this with me. except, now, for jim.

he shook my hand on the way out. told me he liked my handshake. and made me promise to dry a load of laundry tonight, and call him to confirm the dryer was good.

i haven't been so pleased to hand someone $131 for ten minutes of work in my entire life.

my heart throws sparks

while i make a habit of telling folks i love them, often, sometimes that just isn't enough.

so, when i write you a note, it is often signed with a heart, with little sparks throwing off it.

because i am just that happy. my heart has a habit of throwing sparks. in person, i'll actually tell you, 'yup, my heart just threw some sparks.'

now, the trick is not getting thrown off when folks throw them back. but i'm working on it.

and it's good. the sparks just aren't as good when the heart is under wraps. so, here comes the sun, i guess.

oh yeah, and maybe even some cartwheels in the street.