i'm getting a fence. i'm really happy to be getting this fence. it means less stress for me. and more playdates for annie.
thinking about fences naturally leads me to boundaries. which have also been on my mind a lot. well, boundaries and vulnerability.
turns out, it's really easy to be stable; when i avoid any sort of vulnerability. now that i'm putting effort into my relationships, it's clobbering me.
i met a girl. i really liked her. i went to pick her up. at the train station. which, of course, lent itself to a 'sweet avenue' reference. she was foxy. and then some. and i turned off. because liking her made me uncomfortable. remember when liking someone made you feel good? now, it makes me feel scared. and insecure. and i present all the parts of me that i don't even like. i was, officially, a tool. because if i reject myself first, then it is somehow better. at least i'm not an asshole anymore, i'm just a tool. because i've never done this sober. i've never actually really been vulnerable to someone when i was sober. i'm not dry. i drink. but i'm not constantly manic or hammered anymore.
so, no second date for us. i was hoping she'd hang in there, until i found my pace.
and maybe it wasn't because i was a tool. maybe i'm stinky. or we're just not a match. but, the whole time, all i wanted to do was say, 'i really like you. i hope you're patient. because i'm pretty sure it's gonna pay off. i only get this way when i really, really want something. and when i think it could actually work.'
but, i didn't say that. instead i sort of knocked her in the chin with my shoulder, as she leaned over to kiss my cheek, the way that i do when i'm awkward.
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1 comment:
I have a feeling she may be willing to give you another chance, another date, another go of things. Patience comes in many forms, and it might not look quite how you expect it to. You might be surprised by the girl's ability to understand getting scared and running away, especially if something seems awfully good awfully soon. Maybe she does that too, sometimes. Maybe she thinks you're worth another try, because you ignited something in her. Maybe she recognized your manifesto and felt a little sad in reading it, thinking perhaps it meant you were moving on and looking for someone else now.
Maybe. Maybe you can tell her you're sorry, and she'll look at you with that compassionate femme wisdom and kiss your cheek...and maybe this time you won't knock her with your shoulder.
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