kid

i'm trying to make the most of my internet for the next few hours, since it will be gone for a week, while home improvement is happening.

i might actually miss chatting. i could go into withdrawals. please text me extensively for the next week.

a week from today, i will be having dinner with kris, one of all time fave folks. it comes just in the nick of time. i need a fill up.

annie is almost three. i think about life when she came to me. and life now. a lot has happened. we are both settling into life a lot more calmly. i'm appreciating it.

so, i've been mostly single for about three years. part of that was intentional, part of it just happened.

in that time, i realized i really, without question, want to be a parent. i didn't know how to tread through this without a partner. should i wait? i don't know. what i do know is this- i want a life bigger than me. in the kid way.

as much as i would love a traditional family model, as traditional as i get, i want a family. period. and i'm really single right now. and i'm 32. i need to figure out my potentials.

four years ago, i signed up for a seminar on open adoptions with an agency that works with non-traditional families. before attending, i realized i wasn't ready. i was still so sad and angry after finding out i couldn't biologically have a child. i was sad and angry over a couple of other things as well.

time has been good to me.

four years later, i'm signing up again. they don't work with single parent models. but, they encouraged me to still attend and i'm going anyway. i want to know all of my options.

hopeful. excited. scared. overwhelmed. peaceful. happy. calm. confident. completely blissed out. this is how i'm feeling.

i've thought about this for a very long time.

i'm so nervous to talk about this. it's big. i'm trying to not do my thing of throwing out something HUGE, really fast, and jumping back, because i think this may be surprising for folks. and i'm really excited for companions on any of this trip. i was really nervous to tell anyone. but, i want people to know what i'm working towards. and wishing for. from the very start. i want others to hold up hope with me.

stage hand

you know, when everything seems to be going in every direction. and it becomes so hard to keep a tight grip, that it actually becomes easy to just let go. watch what happens. and then pick up any pieces that may have scattered.

i have too much going on right now.

i'm working a lot, which means a lot stress and exhaustion. who knew sitting at a desk could be exhausting? i'm having a lot of work done on the house, which means disarray. i'm trying to keep up with a social life, that feels more and more out of reach. and i was really hoping that i was setting a foundation for a relationship with someone. a seemingly pretty amazing someone.

all of this adds up quickly. the relationship potential, i believe, is gone, as much as i wish it wasn't. turns out, i have a lot to learn about relationships. the friends will hang in there, and hang out with me again when i'm not so swamped. work, well, work is going to stay busy. and the house, well, it's a 1928 farmhouse. and i love it. it will always need work. and i'm happy to be able to get some of it done.

so, my big splurge this week was tickets to a trans- cabaret show for saturday night. i was exhausted yesterday, and somewhat grateful that the house stuff got pushed back another day. moving everything out of four rooms of my house is a lot of work for one person. so, i moved some stuff. took a nap. picked up michelle and went to meet jess and jp at the show.

i need to give some background here. i can, at times, suffer from social anxiety. its not at all uncommon for me to stand in front of large numbers of people, and train, or talk. sometimes this is easy for me. sometimes, i black out. i still function, but afterwards, i may really have no recollection of what i've said. auto pilot kicks in, and it usually does me well. but, even going to the grocery store can set me off. meeting someone new can be excrutiating.

i've worked on it for a long time. and having made the decision to go off anxiety meds, i think i do pretty well. i accept a certain amount of anxiety, and don't criticize myself for it. and i also work to avoid it.

i'm not sure if jess knew any of this. but michelle and jp are pretty well versed in it. they've seen me talk in front of folks enough times to know that i can pull it off, but i may have to ask them later how it went.

okay, back to last night. we had tickets, but on the way up, we got a call, asking if we could help out and volunteer. they needed two people to take tickets. sure. of course.

michelle gave me the look. the same one jp would give me when we arrived. the, "are you sure? it's socializing?' look.

sure. because, sometimes, when i have something to do, i love being around lots of folks. but i usually need a mission. taking tickets, that sounds perfect.

but, actually, the ticket taking position was filled. they needed two ushers, a filmer, and a stage hand. i said i would do whatever was most needed. jp suggested i be the stage hand, as it would mean interacting with the least amount of people.

here's more background. i am, hands down, the clumsiest person i know. the idea of carrying things on and off the stage, in a timely and non clumsy manner, set my pulse racing. but, i wanted to be helpful. okay, i'll be the stage hand.

thank god jess wanted to be the stage hand. michelle and i would usher.

somehow, though, when i went back to meet the performers, it was decided that two stagehands would be better.

crap.

it was hard to hear the performer's instructions. i was supposed to go pick up clothes after the first number. okay, i can do that. we thought it was supposed to be thirty minutes long. it was five. so jess and i were late.

we were supposed to be done after that. they asked us to stay. and help more.

sure.

they had specifically told us that we would not be moving the podium. that they would take care of it.

at the last minute, they start calling for the podium. they're looking at me. i feel compelled to move the podium. with a dolly.

now, let me throw it out here, that i said to them twice, "you don't want me to touch that podium, i'm really clumsy."

ugh.

i took the podium out to the wrong side of the stage. then, i wheeled it back around to the correct side of the stage. and when i went to set it down, in the slowest of motions, i watch the podium swing forward, off the dolly, and to the floor.

in true form, i make a face, and start laughing so much i really can't go pick it up. i just looked at the performer, and said, 'well, now it's in two pieces.' she was not amused. even a little bit. the podium was actually two pieces, and not broken. i got it standing up, but i guess it was lopsided. i can hear jess from back stage, laughing hysterically. and i can't stop laughing.

this was somehow only amusing to me and jess.

we were quickly dismissed from our stage handing duties.

we giggled from the back row for the rest of the show.

jp found us afterwards and asked if i was giving up ever going out in public again.

nope. the good news is, it was so ridiculous, it's just funny.

and, the other good news is, there were only 37 people there. i counted.

unyielding faith

i got home from work at midnight last night. we had a lot of time to talk while we pushed updates.

we talked about mccain's choice of palin. we talked about obama's speech.

i came home and started watching. this is an older video.



i love barack obama. i love barack obama the way i suspect my parents loved jfk. the way the grandparents loved roosevelt. and on and on.

i'm ready for his unyielding faith. and my own.

lychee

i keep meaning to write this, and keep forgetting.

i have been talking about felix the cat bubble gum since leaving the philippines in 1981.

i loved this confection. as far as gum goes, i kind of remember it falling apart a lot.

as far as pure deliciousness goes, it was the finest candy i ever had. it was not too sweet, sort of citrus-ey, soft, wonderful tangy deliciousness. for years prior to my first communion, i remember earnestly believing that communion wafers would taste the same way because they seemed to be a similar size, color and texture to this felix the cat bubble gum. i was so mad at first communion. no offense, jesus.

i've never found anything else that tasted like it.

so, for everyone who's heard me talk about how much i want more felix the cat bubble gum, i finally found out what flavor it is- lychee. i got some dried lychee the other day. and was instantly transported back to being five years old.

as i rolled the flavor of the dried lychee in my mouth the way you can only do with a memory, the sweet-ish, savory-ish, pure childhood happiness memory came back.

accidental authorization

on the one hand, i really, really love my job.

on the other hand, well, it's the other hand.

we're setting up a new training space. it is all being done very last minute, with a lot of pressured decisions, and exhausted people.

i am not the lead on this project. but, i took the role of setting up the space. upon walking in, i was met with a lot of questions. i have a habit, one i picked up in mediation classes, of nodding my head, repeating what people say, and saying, 'okay' or 'hmmmm...' a lot. i do this while i am mentally storing the info i'm getting, not actually processing it.

this strategy gets me in a lot of trouble. for instance, this week. the first day i was in the new space, i had a lot of questions around the details of the space. mostly around, 'hey, when are things like chairs and printers showing up?'

so, when i was told that we were getting two local printers, and configuring student laptops to the network was not possible, i shook my head and said, 'okay.'

i make a habit of not making decisions at work. i like to take info and hand it to my manager, and let her make decisions. which is what i did.

it turns out, the printer situation was a question, not the statement of fact it sounded like. and my head nod was taken as official authorization. i was told this the next day. because there was some commotion about the decision, and my name was listed as the person who authorized the decision.

so, i accidentally authorized crap. dammit.

i've been jumpy ever since. i'm a complicated communicator. which means, i'm a really poor communicator when it comes to my own stuff. we all are, i know. but, in my life, i keep trying to follow everyone else's leads, like i'm in a mediation, and it just causes all sorts of miscommunications. because it's my life, not a mediation. i'm not a unbiased third party. i'm a justifiably biased first party. at some point, i'm going to realize that mediation strategy in real time of my life is bad, bad communication.

what i need to do is just start saying what i think. kindly, compassionately, but clearly, which i'm also not very good with all the time.

right after this, i had a terribly convoluted personal conversation. which ended up much the same way. vascilating between reacting whe not on my best game to begin with, and trying to follow someone's lead. but misinterpreting her. horribly. i accidentally authorized crap there too. and, it was a crap decision that i don't think either of us actually wanted, now that i step back. but, i don't know how much fixing can be done on that front.

so......

here's my grateful list for today-

jess' porch
amazing, amazing friends
home improvement
zip up sweaters
annie, the wonder dog
netflix
baths
cabaret shows
brother

big tall man by liz phair

I'm a big, tall man
I cut the grass
My left eye hurts
I am waiting and reading parts
I can be a complicated communicator

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Zeus and Athens
Florida driveway
Asphalt and tires
Sand and the beach
Rocker panel
Headlights in the dark
I am drag racing
Drag

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Fog and the distance beyond it
Boats and the quiet morning noises
I'm walking the shoreline
A beer and a cigarette
A bug with twitching antennae
A button-up short sleeved shirt

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

I'm a big, tall man
I cut the grass
My left eye hurts
I can be a complicated communicator

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Yes, I'm careening down / Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

you are off track

i'm working in a new to me facility today. before i jumped in the shower this morning, i searched for directions in my phone navigator. while it's accurate, it's very hard to hear or see when i'm driving, so i meant to get the directions and write them down. it takes a few minutes to generate, so i got in the shower and forgot all about it.

i live alone. i've had a lot on my mind the past few days, and didn't start any music this morning. so, the house was very, very quiet.

while i was in the shower i heard, 'you are off track!' it was a startlingly clear and loud woman's voice. i do my best thinking in the shower. i was deep in a thought. so, to have this message delivered in the middle of thinking about what i was thinking about was eery. i took me a minute to realize it was my phone navigation system. which was becoming impatient with the fact that i had not moved yet.

things are good. growing pains abound, as always. i'm trying to be balanced. and while my companions last night could potentially tell you that i was a wee bit self-absorbed and dramatic with my growing pains last night, they would also tell you that my growing pains have moved from painful for everyone involved to mostly funny, sometimes sad, always with gravity, growing pains. and this is the point where i have to throw in- geez, my friends and family are so good.

that being said, i think it's time to keep my head down. chop some wood and haul some water for a little while. balanced, of course, with some bliss moments. but with a mission to stay on track.

the bathroom is being redone, and the wood floors are getting a makeover this weekend. i could just about do cartwheels.

the fam is coming for a visit in april. i'm excitedly planning.

i think i'm taking annie to the beach this weekend. and taking myself to a trans- cabaret show. and then hot water music next weekend. maybe. so good.

i am on track.

looking forward

my boss reminds me often that we all need things to look forward to. it's an essential part of happiness.

i agree.

though impatience can cloud the unadulterated happiness of looking forward.

here's what i'm looking forward to-

dinner with kris daniels soon-ish
actually beginning this training
a new roommate (?)
new floors (?)
9/8/2008
figuring out how annie is getting out of the fenced yard
lush yards and gardens
soup weather
hammock
hot water music

i highly recommend listening to michael runion, fyi.

august

i love august. particularly in western washington. it is just about perfect.

i feel this huge push to get my house in order. purge excess stuff. fix the shower. stain the fence. grade the driveway. get the gardens ready for third plantings. finish ripping out the carpets, and figure out what to do with the floors. and get a roommate. stat.

i am both motivated and overwhelmed. the house is torn up until i can get some help with the rest of the carpet.

but i don't feel like i can do much else until i get these things crossed off my list. most hanging out is taking place at my place. and don't mind me if i'm pulling up tackboard or weeds while you tell me about your day.

and... don't be surprised if i call a work party here soon. but, don't worry, there will be plenty of music, and beer, and good food, and fun. and appreciation on my part.

i'm grateful for a lot these days. even though i did just hit the hell out of my hand with a hammer. i should wear my glasses while i work....

auagust makes me think of arkansas. cotton fields. here's the song running through my head today-

she by gram parsons, though i'm partial to the pretenders cover

she, she came from the land of the cotton
land that was nearly forgotten by everyone
and she, she worked and she slaved so hard
a big old field was her back yard in the delta sun
ooh, but she sure could sing
ooh, she sure could sing
then he looked down and he took a little pity
the whole town swore he decided he'd help her some
but he didn't mind if she wasn't very pretty
for deep inside his heart he knew she was the only one
ooh, but she sure could sing
yeah, she sure could sing
she had faith, she had believing
she led all the people together in singing
and she prayed every night to the lord up above
singing hallelujah, ooh hallelujah
they use to walk singing songs by the river
even when she knew for sure she had to go away
and she never knew what her life had to give her
and never had to worry about it for one single day
ooh my but she sure could sing
ooh, she sure could sing
she had faith, she had believing
led all the people together in singing
and she prayed every night to the lord up above
singing hallelujah, ooh hallelujah
she, she came from the land of the cotton
land that was nearly forgotten by everyone
and she, she worked and she slaved so hard
a big old field was her back yard in the delta sun
ooh, but she sure could sing
my, my, my she sure could sing
ooh, yeah she sure could sing
ooh, she sure could sing

the dishwashers dream

i listened to this song a lot earlier this summer. i adore these few lines-

the dishwashers dream by marah
I awoke to the sound of Monique calling out from her nightmarish side of our bed...
As I reached out to touch her sweet head
And as the sweat on her face found a new resting place
On the tip of my fingers I leaned
Into her ear and told her no fear

those last three lines...

birthday buzz

i keep forgetting to mention my birthday.

it was... so good!

dinners, and drinks, and a movie, and lots of friends, stretched over the course of several days. and lots of great surprises.

i keep writing cryptic blogs about how happy and am, and how nervous that makes me. it's a luxury problem, i know. i'm working on it.

so, now, i am officially tuckered out from celebrating, and am kind of happy that so many folks are out of town this weekend. i will work on the house, and catch up on things.

old friends, and newer friends, and even, especially, the newest, thanks for a great birthday!

more on batman later...

new song

i need to learn some new songs. all mine are old. and bitter.

okay, so someone recently shared a 'things i'm grateful for today' list. and it reminded me that i am not giving things their due.

so, here's mine for today-

fresh berries from the garden
annie
deep breaths
potential
perspective
stretching
unlimited phone plans
kris daniels, and cottey girls
the 8th ave girls
songs i've never heard before
singing out loud
responsibility

i'll be sitting on my front porch, sending out some sparks to the universe, if you're looking for me.

i believe in falling down.

i believe in falling down. and standing back up.

the trick, though, is not taking anyone down with you. turns out, you can't brush the hurt off someone else. i know better.

i got this letter last night. it was an amazing letter. made me feel so good, it hurt. thank you mr. davis.

i feel muddled today. a couple of weeks ago, i wrote my own letter. and submitted it to the universe. and i got the response i didn't think possible. but it threw me off. and while i don't love leaving anymore, it's still the groove worn in my path. and i totally fell over in it.

hey there mrs. lovely by ryan adams

Hey There Mrs. Lovely

Well girl sometimes I feel just a boy
Put here on the earth for you to toy round with
I'm the plastic 3-inch armies you destroy
I'm the monster under neath your bed y'ain't afraid of yet

She let me in
And I feel all right
Yeah I feel all right

Hey there Mrs. Lovely are you coming out to play
I've been stranded on your door step every night and day
And I want you so bad but when you cry I get scared
Wanna dry your eyes with cinnamon and pears

You used to only want your two front teeth
But Christmas time it came it went, you ended up with me
And we started playing Twister with our tongues
We probably should have scrapped the game and gave ourselves some hugs

And I toy with you
And you toy with me
Can you stop this shit please?

Hey there Mrs. Lovely are you coming out to play
I've been stranded on your door step every night and day
And I want you so bad but when you cry I get scared
Wanna dry your eyes with cinnamon and pears
And pears
And pills
And pills

up until recently, i thought this was an accurate love song. what the fuck was wrong with me? the good news? i get to take the cinnamon and pears bit, because it's good. but, the rest, i'm done with.

dammit. i wish standing back up were enough.

sonny-girl

my dryer broke.

i posted a help wanted ad on craigslist. no go.

i started making phone calls. i got this funny guy named jim.

he said he'd be over in 20 minutes. i was sold.

jim is probably about 78 years old. he got out of his van, smiled at me, and said, 'well, son, here i am.' i am sensitive about my gender these days. mostly, i wished i passed differently than i do. and mostly, i just don't want it to be a a big deal, whatever gets me through the interaction.

he looked at me a moment longer. and said, 'ah, you're a sonny-girl, huh? not a son, not a girl. you're my sonny-girl for today.'

i was in love. instantly. no one else, in the whole world, could have gotten away with this.

he had the dryer fixed in 10 minutes flat. while he told me stories of dryer fires, his time in the navy, and how much he disikes maytag, and architects. oh, he also believes all men are stupid. and providence is a hospital run the way its supposed to be run, because its run by women.

again, no one gets away with gender talk like this with me. except, now, for jim.

he shook my hand on the way out. told me he liked my handshake. and made me promise to dry a load of laundry tonight, and call him to confirm the dryer was good.

i haven't been so pleased to hand someone $131 for ten minutes of work in my entire life.