kid

i'm trying to make the most of my internet for the next few hours, since it will be gone for a week, while home improvement is happening.

i might actually miss chatting. i could go into withdrawals. please text me extensively for the next week.

a week from today, i will be having dinner with kris, one of all time fave folks. it comes just in the nick of time. i need a fill up.

annie is almost three. i think about life when she came to me. and life now. a lot has happened. we are both settling into life a lot more calmly. i'm appreciating it.

so, i've been mostly single for about three years. part of that was intentional, part of it just happened.

in that time, i realized i really, without question, want to be a parent. i didn't know how to tread through this without a partner. should i wait? i don't know. what i do know is this- i want a life bigger than me. in the kid way.

as much as i would love a traditional family model, as traditional as i get, i want a family. period. and i'm really single right now. and i'm 32. i need to figure out my potentials.

four years ago, i signed up for a seminar on open adoptions with an agency that works with non-traditional families. before attending, i realized i wasn't ready. i was still so sad and angry after finding out i couldn't biologically have a child. i was sad and angry over a couple of other things as well.

time has been good to me.

four years later, i'm signing up again. they don't work with single parent models. but, they encouraged me to still attend and i'm going anyway. i want to know all of my options.

hopeful. excited. scared. overwhelmed. peaceful. happy. calm. confident. completely blissed out. this is how i'm feeling.

i've thought about this for a very long time.

i'm so nervous to talk about this. it's big. i'm trying to not do my thing of throwing out something HUGE, really fast, and jumping back, because i think this may be surprising for folks. and i'm really excited for companions on any of this trip. i was really nervous to tell anyone. but, i want people to know what i'm working towards. and wishing for. from the very start. i want others to hold up hope with me.