accidental authorization

on the one hand, i really, really love my job.

on the other hand, well, it's the other hand.

we're setting up a new training space. it is all being done very last minute, with a lot of pressured decisions, and exhausted people.

i am not the lead on this project. but, i took the role of setting up the space. upon walking in, i was met with a lot of questions. i have a habit, one i picked up in mediation classes, of nodding my head, repeating what people say, and saying, 'okay' or 'hmmmm...' a lot. i do this while i am mentally storing the info i'm getting, not actually processing it.

this strategy gets me in a lot of trouble. for instance, this week. the first day i was in the new space, i had a lot of questions around the details of the space. mostly around, 'hey, when are things like chairs and printers showing up?'

so, when i was told that we were getting two local printers, and configuring student laptops to the network was not possible, i shook my head and said, 'okay.'

i make a habit of not making decisions at work. i like to take info and hand it to my manager, and let her make decisions. which is what i did.

it turns out, the printer situation was a question, not the statement of fact it sounded like. and my head nod was taken as official authorization. i was told this the next day. because there was some commotion about the decision, and my name was listed as the person who authorized the decision.

so, i accidentally authorized crap. dammit.

i've been jumpy ever since. i'm a complicated communicator. which means, i'm a really poor communicator when it comes to my own stuff. we all are, i know. but, in my life, i keep trying to follow everyone else's leads, like i'm in a mediation, and it just causes all sorts of miscommunications. because it's my life, not a mediation. i'm not a unbiased third party. i'm a justifiably biased first party. at some point, i'm going to realize that mediation strategy in real time of my life is bad, bad communication.

what i need to do is just start saying what i think. kindly, compassionately, but clearly, which i'm also not very good with all the time.

right after this, i had a terribly convoluted personal conversation. which ended up much the same way. vascilating between reacting whe not on my best game to begin with, and trying to follow someone's lead. but misinterpreting her. horribly. i accidentally authorized crap there too. and, it was a crap decision that i don't think either of us actually wanted, now that i step back. but, i don't know how much fixing can be done on that front.

so......

here's my grateful list for today-

jess' porch
amazing, amazing friends
home improvement
zip up sweaters
annie, the wonder dog
netflix
baths
cabaret shows
brother

big tall man by liz phair

I'm a big, tall man
I cut the grass
My left eye hurts
I am waiting and reading parts
I can be a complicated communicator

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Zeus and Athens
Florida driveway
Asphalt and tires
Sand and the beach
Rocker panel
Headlights in the dark
I am drag racing
Drag

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Fog and the distance beyond it
Boats and the quiet morning noises
I'm walking the shoreline
A beer and a cigarette
A bug with twitching antennae
A button-up short sleeved shirt

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

I'm a big, tall man
I cut the grass
My left eye hurts
I can be a complicated communicator

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache

Yes, I'm careening down / Yes, I'm winning, spinning
I feel energy being pulled off from all sides
And it feels good
Like relieving a headache