about a boy

we played the get to know you game.

as we walked, she told me she always knew she wanted to work with dying kids. even when she was very young. this did nothing to make her less appealing to me.

my turn. she asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. my answer was automatic, until i caught it in my mouth, just seconds before an accident. i shuffled my feet, i hedged. then i finally came up with, ' well, i wanted to be a doctor. then i wanted to be a lawyer.'

that's true. but that took me longer to figure out than the automatic answer.

what did i want to be when i grew up?

a boy.

i wanted to be a boy.

the dishwashers dream

i listened to this song a lot earlier this summer. i adore these few lines-

the dishwashers dream by marah
I awoke to the sound of Monique calling out from her nightmarish side of our bed...
As I reached out to touch her sweet head
And as the sweat on her face found a new resting place
On the tip of my fingers I leaned
Into her ear and told her no fear

those last three lines...

oh, my love, this is our town...

it's leo season. it's never difficult times in leo season. and every town is our town...

here's the mission-

leo season playlist. name a song. more than one, if you like. any song that epitomizes this time of year. or this moment. the moment you're reading this.

i'll start it off with-

seeds of night- the cave singers

but don't let this playlist stay so soft.

ready. set. go.

i'll post the playlist once it's finished.

rooftop talk

rooftop talk- this is not a talk you have with someone who is thinking harrowing thoughts while standing uncomfortably close to the edge of a rooftop. a rooftop talk is the teenage and adult equivalent to a fort talk. or tire swing talk. or terabithia talk. it's the kind of conversation that can only happen in perfect moments. usually when closer to the sky, but not always.

i was sitting outside the brotherhood with michelle last week. we talked. i haven't had a conversation like that in a long time. i told her stories i'd never told before. she pointed out a few things. i looked away even though it felt good to be seen.

a few hours later, i got a message from michelle. there was a mix cd waiting for me to pick up on her porch. she has a funny way of capturing moments with comp cds, like others capture moments with pictures.

minno by hot water music
if you hear this i hope it eases some troubles you left with i'm not sure what to say but i think i would've known that last day you said you had the goals to come out on top to set you up to live untouched by all the things that kept you from keeping up then we heard and we hurt and we scorned we burned for last words now lost the silence we sat through the breakdown the laughter the shelter and the future you planned on-i'll miss them i hope you're in a better place with soul set free i hope you're still singing loud with soul set free too bad you're not around for us to see but i still feel you around like you never left us

while the song perfectly references something we talked about, not me, i realized after having it repeat far too many times for my own good, that i've been trying to live untouched. those times i have offered myself, it's been with restriction, with fear, with anger. with the expectation that love meant heartbreak and loss, because the first girl i loved, who told me she loved me back, was lost to all of us, way too young, and way too soon. way too soon for her short life, and just moments after we talked. and she was lost completely without warning.

i didn't know how much i needed that rooftop talk. or how much i needed, and need, michelle. or how i needed to finally realize this thing i do. and i may just keep the song on repeat for a little while longer. because its been too long since i've been able to feel this. even though it can take away my breath, leave me speechless, leave me feeling seventeen and desolate again. maybe this time, i can finally walk away.