grace

my mom suffered an aneurysm in her anterior communicating artery on wednesday.

anyone who knows me, knows how much my family means to me. while we live far apart, family is the most important thing in my life.

my mom is alive, and alert, and speaking. the doctors refer to her survival as a miracle.

my emotional crutch is studying. i have searched the internet for information, there is no good news. the odds for short-term survival are bad. the odds for long-term survival are worse.

i want to be grateful for each extra moment i have with mom, but i find myself falling into grief.

for the first 48 hours, i couldn't pray. i felt spiritually mute.

then, i tried to pray, but everything was selfish.

then, the lord's prayer came to me. and then it came to me- grace. i need to pray for grace for us all. that my mom has grace through this process, whether it means life or death.

i think the hardest part for me right now is that everyone else is so grateful that's she here, and stable. and i'm just pissed, and sad, and not ready to let her go.

dad is so confident that everything is going to be alright. and i wish i had that.

i don't know how to be with mom right now. she's aware, but not clear on how serious this is.

i don't know how to not be selfish right now, so i sneak in when she's not awake, and leave as quickly as possible when she is. i don't know how to not need her.

i will keep praying for grace.