how do i love this moment?

several months ago, i was out dancing with friends. i was two-stepping badly, but having a great time.

one of my friends commented she was too timid to get on the floor for the lesson. i looked at her and said, "when i get nervous, or anxious, or any number of other debilitating feelings i ask myself, 'how do i love this moment?' and most of time, the answer comes pretty quick."

i've spent a lot of time being stuck in my head. i've spent a lot of time being angry. i've spent a lot of time being sad.

i'm not sure what happened, what triggered it, but a few years ago, i started to wonder what it would be like if i tried to love everything.

while i don't remember why, i do remember when. i was lying on a traction table. for two years, i spent about an hour three times a week lying on a traction table, repairing damage from being assaulted. i was in pain, and angry, and i had managed to close off from almost everyone.

i have always admired my twin brother mike. growing up, superman was mike's superhero. and mike was mine. one of the things i admire most about him is his ability to love everything, even things he doesn't like. mike can find joy in anything.

i couldn't talk while in traction. literally, my mouth was held shut. so, i had a lot of time to think. the first year, i was sad. the next six months, i was angry. then, i started to think about love.

and somewhere in there i realized that love takes work. it takes intent. and understanding. and sometimes, a willing suspension of disbelief. love is an action.

all i could think, 'how do i love this moment?' how could i possibly love this moment? my friends were at happy hour. i was hooked up to weights and straps, gritting my teeth in pain, fixing something someone else did.

i thought about this one question for weeks. gradually, it came to me. i could love that moment. for so many reasons. because i was there at all, because i was fixing myself, because i saw love all around me, i just had to choose it. it took time, but i started to love those moments.

i started asking myself that question anytime i was stressed, or sad, or angry. it didn't distract me from those emotions, it helped me figure them out. what i realized is that love isn't always about joy, though joy is generally just around the corner from love. love is an action. and it's stronger than most other things.

the past week, i have been miserably sad. and angry. and i feel myself closing off from those around me. i am stuck in my head a lot. all of this is stressing my relationship.

as i was walking into work today, one of co-workers asked about my mom. a lot of folks knew mom got sick. but somehow the news that she died didn't get around. i am asked at least three times a week about my mom while i am at work. i have trouble saying the words, 'thank you for asking, but she died.' mom died on 11/3, the day my project has been marching to since it's inception, the day of our first go live. i've had 11/3 circled and marked on all of my calendars for six months, never knowing how significant a day it would actually be. i'm not sure why, but today, right after being asked, i remembered that question, 'how do i love this moment?'

how do i possibly love these moments that i'm grieving the loss of mom? i am angry, and sad, a little lost. i thought about mike over the holidays. he was funny, and joyful, and loving, and moving forward, even while mourning the same loss. i admire him more than ever. even though i know he's has his own battles with pushing away in the past two months.

i have moments where i can't breathe. i feel panicked. i cry, but don't make sound because the sob is so deep down.

how do i love these moments?

right now, i don't know. but it will come to me. love is all around me. i just have to choose it. i have to move towards it. love is stronger than most other things.

delay

i'm sitting in the airport. the last time i was here was six weeks ago, and while i knew that my mom had died, i got the official news while i was waiting in this concourse. just a matter of feet from where i'm sitting now.

that flight was delayed. so is tonight's flight. mike and jim and i arrived that day within minutes of each other, though we could not have been more spread out across the country. it felt like coming into formation.

the past year of my life has been about recognizing lessons and gifts in my life. even when at times, i was on delay.

shortly before mom got sick, i met kate. it's been a strange combination to lose my mom so suddenly, and fall in love. i'm grateful i met kate first. i trust our path.

i've spent four years working on trusting my steps. and i do.

this past two months has been a mix of hello and goodbye. all stunning.

and with almost every step i recognize some experiences, most of them recent, that make me feel more ready for all of it.

and while recognition does feel a little on delay, i still readily recognize it's a very charmed life i'm leading.