homesick

fall always feels nostalgic to me. this can leave me feeling completely at home in the world, wherever i am. and sometimes, it leaves me feeling homesick.

lately, i've been feeling homesick. i've moved a lot, so i always have people to visit, but i can sometimes notice that i don't have everyone in one place.

i'm also working a lot, and feeling, in general, disconnected. feeling disconnected always causes me grief.

enter stacy. stacy, one of my oldest friends (we've known each other since 7th grade) is coming into seattle this week. stacy is also one of those friends, that just keeps getting better with time. as much as i loved and appreciated stacy when i was 17, those feelings have grown exponentially since then. as we continue to experience life, i am amazed at the similarities and differences of our two lives. and how our ties continue to weave themselves through.

i loved high school. i love being from arkansas. my high school friends are still very much a part of my life, and it's times like this that i'm painfully aware that i can't drive over and hang out with someone i've known for more than half of my life.

the good news- my newer friends, while newer, are just as important to me. and handily, in closer proximity.

needless to say, i'm really looking forward to the visit with an old friend. i'm really looking forward to feeling at home.

and on that note, i received news that one of our schoolmates suddenly passed away. while katie was a year younger than me, i looked up to her, and all of her family, a lot. katie will be missed.

the state

sunday marks ten years since matthew shepard was killed.

today, the connecticut supreme court ruled that same sex marriages were legal. sarah palin was found to have acted unethically in the firing of her ex- brother in law. the financial crisis is sobering us up. barack obama is pulling ahead in some polls.

and for the first time, i'm beginning to feel like i live in a democracy. for the first time, my peer group is making a difference at the polls.

maybe it's because i'm 32. maybe things just feel like they're getting better.

but i really think they are. for the first time, i see my communities forming, and sustaining themselves.

whatever way things go, i hope we've all had enough. enough of the status quo. enough of letting other's votes carry more weight, because so many votes are absent.

i hope the newly formed neighborhood associations continue to thrive. i hope i continue to see political signs, and peace signs, fly in my neighbor's homes and yards. i hope i continue to wake up excited every morning to read the news. i hope i continue to assess myself, and my values, and my actions.

i hope i keep welling up, on my way home, because i'm hopeful for my communities for the first time in ten years.

surrender in my back pocket

i spent a lot of time with a lot of people this weekend. i am head over heels in friend love with my friends.

a very good friend got the keys to her first home. we celebrated.

i re-approached the parenting conversation with some of my friends.

on friday, i made an agreement to surrender to possibilities for thirty days. no really, an actual signed agreement. i've been doing this awkward oscillation between radical acceptance and saying no to everything because i don't trust my own decisions.

the results of this are sometimes amazing, but sometimes i end up gratefully accepting crap, or categorically denying fantastic opportunities.

so, the terms of this deal are this- for 30 days, starting last friday, i remain open to possibilities the universe sends me. i don't make excuses that allow me to turn down blind dates, i don't flake on my friends, and i keep my ethics about me. so, i don't have to say yes to everything that comes my way, but i have to consciously drop my batting practice bullshit for 3o days.

i'll keep you posted on how this goes.

on a whole other note, i had the day off, and it was gorgeous. like, kiss the ground gorgeous. but when the sun went down, i got a sudden case of the lonelies. i feel out of touch with my family. i can't wait for christmas, and for all of them to visit this spring.

and speaking of trips... glacier! i need to set up the blog for planning the train trip to glacier. it's going to be more expensive than driving, but way more fun, and meaningful, as well. i need a train trip with folks i love like my garden needs water these days.

geez.......

i forgot to mention...

i got an awesome new job!

and my house projects are wrapping up.

and, life is supremely fantastic these days.

sickness and all...

pee test, once more, with feeling

i just got home from urgent care.

i've felt puny for a couple of weeks. tonight, i started peeing blood. and feeling particularly vommy.

fortunately, most of the diagnostics could be done with a pee test. i am dehydrated. i have too much blood, protein, bacteria and white blood cells in my urine. and my blood pressure was through the roof.

i have one ear infection, a sinus infection, and bladder and kidney infections.

i have to start taking better care of myself. i have to take diabetes seriously. i have to start exercising on a regular basis.

the frequency of this same round of infections has everything to do with being diabetic, and is completely preventable.

i have a ridiculous antibiotic regimen for the next ten days....

change gonna come, pt. 2

transitions are typically very, very difficult for me.

i'm trying to remember what i learned from therapeutic massage- breathe.

i had some out of town visitors last week. it was a whirlwind to spend as much time as i could with both of them. and a funny juxtaposition since one is very new to me and one is one of my oldest friends.

work has me tuckered out. but i am grateful for the opportunities i have.

i'm thinking a lot about transitions and change and gifts and losses. a friend is in the last days of saying goodbye to her dog, who has been her companion her entire adult life. i wish i had words for her. all i have is a heart throwing sparks their way. sparks of the gorecki's 3rd symphony kind.

damon on palin