i believe in standing back up

after years of cynicism, here's what i found out- i believe in love. and hope. and compassion. and faith. and falling down. and standing back up. and laughing. and tears. and devotion. and listening. and changing my mind. i believe in community. i believe in respecting and guarding some boundaries. and i believe in crossing others. i believe in holding hands. a lot. i believe in that a lot.

i wrote that a few years ago. i've been thinking about it a lot lately. about the standing back up part. it took me so long to realize that was the difference for me. and that standing back up didn't have to mean standing apart.

lately, i've also been thinking about the holding hands part. in my mission to find love in all the nooks and crannies of life, i forgot that love can be bigger than the nooks and crannies, sometimes it's the whole world breaking open. right in front of me. and sometimes it's in between those two extremes. i also set a goal to be more independent. i've met that goal, a little too well, i've forgotten to hold hands.

so, standing back up and holding hands, these are my prayers. they're not so far off from courage and grace.

looking forward

one month later, and i haven't cried on the commute since that post. i still cry when i talk to mike, or suzanne, or dad. it's one of those things where we all know our lives have changed, but we also know that we don't really know how yet.

maybe it's the change in weather, and days getting longer. or maybe it's that four months have passed, and it's just time to look forward. maybe i really believe the dream about mom, that i'm comfortable with love. that i've been ready, i just didn't realize it. something changed when mom died. my heart didn't just break, it broke open. i knew that even as i was visiting her in the hospital.

since that night, of the dream, i've let people back in, farther than before. i'm realizing how jaded i've been. and how much it no longer serves me.

i'm looking forward, and making plans, and it doesn't feel like going through the motions, or inappropriate while grieving.

it feels like living.

it feels like intention.

i'm going to run to her

i woke up at 1:28 am. i think i had been sleeping soundly, but i woke in tears. i woke with that pressure in my chest, like i had been sobbing.

work is long right now. it is both my favorite part of the job, and the hardest. this is my first real go live with epic and this agency, and i still have a learning curve.

i still cry often on my hour and half commute. usually more in the mornings. i have it down to which exit i need to start cleaning myself up at, so i'm not red and puffy walking into the office.

i've been dreaming about mom. the first time- she was across the street from me. i saw her, stopped what i was doing, and told her i wasn't ready yet. but i loved her. and thanks for stopping by. she said she knew. that was why she was on the other side of the street. she would be around when i was ready. and not to worry when i saw her. i had my space.

about a week later, i had a dream i was sick in a hospital. mike and dad were there. mike was sad as he told me my time was limited. he asked if i was scared. i said i really wasn't, but i would miss them. he told me i would see mom, and if it would be bittersweet to see her. and i said, happily, but matter of factly, 'no, i'm going to run to her.'

while i adore them, i have a tendency to hold my family at arm's length. i guess i do this with everyone i love. every time my mom hugged me, i tried to make it brief. it wasn't that i didn't want her love, or care, but i didn't know how to hold onto it for long.

ever since i had that dream, where i told my brother i would run to mom, and i knew i would be comfortable with her, i've felt some sort of peace, that maybe i'm leaning toward a different kind of comfort with those i love.

of course, i also felt guilt, that i can't just relax with love.

out of the blue, without mentioning any of this, i was working with someone i know, but not well, and she looked at me today and said, 'there's a reason they call it sweet sorrow.'

i guess she's right.

how do i love this moment?

several months ago, i was out dancing with friends. i was two-stepping badly, but having a great time.

one of my friends commented she was too timid to get on the floor for the lesson. i looked at her and said, "when i get nervous, or anxious, or any number of other debilitating feelings i ask myself, 'how do i love this moment?' and most of time, the answer comes pretty quick."

i've spent a lot of time being stuck in my head. i've spent a lot of time being angry. i've spent a lot of time being sad.

i'm not sure what happened, what triggered it, but a few years ago, i started to wonder what it would be like if i tried to love everything.

while i don't remember why, i do remember when. i was lying on a traction table. for two years, i spent about an hour three times a week lying on a traction table, repairing damage from being assaulted. i was in pain, and angry, and i had managed to close off from almost everyone.

i have always admired my twin brother mike. growing up, superman was mike's superhero. and mike was mine. one of the things i admire most about him is his ability to love everything, even things he doesn't like. mike can find joy in anything.

i couldn't talk while in traction. literally, my mouth was held shut. so, i had a lot of time to think. the first year, i was sad. the next six months, i was angry. then, i started to think about love.

and somewhere in there i realized that love takes work. it takes intent. and understanding. and sometimes, a willing suspension of disbelief. love is an action.

all i could think, 'how do i love this moment?' how could i possibly love this moment? my friends were at happy hour. i was hooked up to weights and straps, gritting my teeth in pain, fixing something someone else did.

i thought about this one question for weeks. gradually, it came to me. i could love that moment. for so many reasons. because i was there at all, because i was fixing myself, because i saw love all around me, i just had to choose it. it took time, but i started to love those moments.

i started asking myself that question anytime i was stressed, or sad, or angry. it didn't distract me from those emotions, it helped me figure them out. what i realized is that love isn't always about joy, though joy is generally just around the corner from love. love is an action. and it's stronger than most other things.

the past week, i have been miserably sad. and angry. and i feel myself closing off from those around me. i am stuck in my head a lot. all of this is stressing my relationship.

as i was walking into work today, one of co-workers asked about my mom. a lot of folks knew mom got sick. but somehow the news that she died didn't get around. i am asked at least three times a week about my mom while i am at work. i have trouble saying the words, 'thank you for asking, but she died.' mom died on 11/3, the day my project has been marching to since it's inception, the day of our first go live. i've had 11/3 circled and marked on all of my calendars for six months, never knowing how significant a day it would actually be. i'm not sure why, but today, right after being asked, i remembered that question, 'how do i love this moment?'

how do i possibly love these moments that i'm grieving the loss of mom? i am angry, and sad, a little lost. i thought about mike over the holidays. he was funny, and joyful, and loving, and moving forward, even while mourning the same loss. i admire him more than ever. even though i know he's has his own battles with pushing away in the past two months.

i have moments where i can't breathe. i feel panicked. i cry, but don't make sound because the sob is so deep down.

how do i love these moments?

right now, i don't know. but it will come to me. love is all around me. i just have to choose it. i have to move towards it. love is stronger than most other things.

delay

i'm sitting in the airport. the last time i was here was six weeks ago, and while i knew that my mom had died, i got the official news while i was waiting in this concourse. just a matter of feet from where i'm sitting now.

that flight was delayed. so is tonight's flight. mike and jim and i arrived that day within minutes of each other, though we could not have been more spread out across the country. it felt like coming into formation.

the past year of my life has been about recognizing lessons and gifts in my life. even when at times, i was on delay.

shortly before mom got sick, i met kate. it's been a strange combination to lose my mom so suddenly, and fall in love. i'm grateful i met kate first. i trust our path.

i've spent four years working on trusting my steps. and i do.

this past two months has been a mix of hello and goodbye. all stunning.

and with almost every step i recognize some experiences, most of them recent, that make me feel more ready for all of it.

and while recognition does feel a little on delay, i still readily recognize it's a very charmed life i'm leading.

#37

i flew into las vegas the day after mom's aneurysm.

it was life interrupted in the house. her purse was on the kitchen table, her lipstick out.

she wasn't planning on never coming home.

mom was planning the first christmas that suzanne & ben would be joining us. she had a three page to-do list.

each item was numbered. each item made sense, like 'pressure wash the deck.'

except #37.

'#37- mail molly's package. '

no one knows anything about the package.

i feel like the kid from 'extremely loud and incredibly close' searching for the lock to go to his father's key.

late at night, tonight, i'm thinking about #37.

courage and grace, these are my prayers

mom died on 11/3. it's been almost three weeks.

i am tired and sad. most of the time right now. i am in touch with dad, and suzanne and mike and jim. but, it was better when we were in person. somehow, the five of us together, at home, kept her close. i feel far away now that i am back in my own home.

it's been three weeks, and i should be finishing up thank you notes, but i haven't even started them. this is mostly because i just haven't gotten to them, i don't know what to say. i am so grateful for everyone, more than i have ever been. i am so blessed. but, then, i realized that mom ordered all the stationery for all of us. and i have run out of mine. one of the last things i asked her for was more, even though i know the order by heart.

while i am tired and sad, i still find love all around me. maybe even more so than before.

i will continue to work towards courage and grace.