let's get married- more thoughts on why you need my equality

back in the middle of october, i wrote a note. about why you need my equality, and asking the voters of washington state to approve ref 71- the 'everything but marriage' referendum. my friends shared that note. their friends shared it. social networking took it's course and that note literally got sent around the world. i still get messages froam people asking me what happened on 11/3, election day.

i wrote that note for my mom, and posted it here on facebook, never thinking anything would happen with it. within 24 hours of posting, i was getting messages from people i'd never met, all across the world, lending their support. i was inspired. uplifted. motivated.

three days after posting the note, out of the blue, my mom suffered a brain aneurysm. i forgot about the note. weeks later, on 11/3, election day, i remember sitting in my parent's living room in las vegas, watching the news, and hearing that ref 71 had passed. i was surrounded by family, because it was also the day my mom died.

i haven't answered any of the messages i got from people about ref 71. while i'm thrilled for the success, and inspired by the power of social networking, that day meant something else for me.

when i came out to my mom, she cried because she would never be part of a traditional wedding of mine. it wasn't a loss for me. since i'd always known i was queer, i'd always known i couldn't get married. years later, it was my mom who opened the door for me to consider marriage. while she couldn't wrap her head around it the day i accidentally came out to her, it was my mom who came around and gave me the challenge to believe i deserved to get married, just like my twin brother. who would have ever known my mom would become a more progressive queer rights activist than me, the kid she sent through grad school for gender studies?

recently, i've been coming out of the haze of losing my mom. i haven't really known what to do with myself. my first thoughts- what was i doing before mom died? i should pick up there.

before she died, i was thinking about love. and marriage. and equality. i had decided, after a lot of thought, that i wanted to become a marriage officiant.

so, yesterday, i did. it doesn't take much. literally, filling out a form. online.

since then, i've had questions from friends- why would i officiate straight marriage, when i can't get married? and when i believe that marriage as an institution is problematic.

a few reasons.

yep, marriage as in institution is problematic. that's a whole other discussion.

for starters, i rarely see two people, who have the legal right to get married, effect change by not getting married. neither the federal government, nor their community, care that they are not benefiting from the rights of marriage. and, i rarely see those couples taking opportunities within their communities to effect change by saying, 'we're not getting married until the queer folk can get married, so what are you doing to make that happen?'

i've seen more change effected by couples who have gotten married, and said, ' you know, if you we hadn't gotten married, we wouldn't have gotten gifts, so please make donations to your local marriage equality initiative in lieu of a gift' or some other acknowledgement.

i've seen more conversation about marriage equality happen around marriages than around couples who have the right to marry protesting by not getting married. i've seen more community work around marriages, than couples who have the right to marry protesting by not getting married.

and, mostly, this is what i want for myself-

(from "why you need my equality") when i recently realized i wanted to get married, i started taking dance lessons. i don't even have someone in mind to marry. but i want to be ready. i want to dance at my wedding. give me the opportunity to dance at my wedding. locally, with all of my family and friends and community to bear witness.

so, i want this for others as well. i don't want to take away. i want to add. i still believe in the words of the prime minister of spain. when Spain legalized gay marriage Spain's Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero said, "...We are enlarging the opportunity for happiness to our neighbors, our co-workers, our friends and, our families: at the same time we are making a more decent society, because a decent society is one that does not humiliate its members."

and, most of all, i believe in love. i believe in commitment. and i believe in community. particularly, in community bearing witness.

so, let's get married. legally, and non-legally. any proceeds from legal marriages i officiate will go directly to marriage equality initiatives.

let's keep working on that more decent society. there's still a lot to be done.

do not wait for an election day to get motivated.
start today.
right now.
this moment.
what will you do?