i'm going to run to her

i woke up at 1:28 am. i think i had been sleeping soundly, but i woke in tears. i woke with that pressure in my chest, like i had been sobbing.

work is long right now. it is both my favorite part of the job, and the hardest. this is my first real go live with epic and this agency, and i still have a learning curve.

i still cry often on my hour and half commute. usually more in the mornings. i have it down to which exit i need to start cleaning myself up at, so i'm not red and puffy walking into the office.

i've been dreaming about mom. the first time- she was across the street from me. i saw her, stopped what i was doing, and told her i wasn't ready yet. but i loved her. and thanks for stopping by. she said she knew. that was why she was on the other side of the street. she would be around when i was ready. and not to worry when i saw her. i had my space.

about a week later, i had a dream i was sick in a hospital. mike and dad were there. mike was sad as he told me my time was limited. he asked if i was scared. i said i really wasn't, but i would miss them. he told me i would see mom, and if it would be bittersweet to see her. and i said, happily, but matter of factly, 'no, i'm going to run to her.'

while i adore them, i have a tendency to hold my family at arm's length. i guess i do this with everyone i love. every time my mom hugged me, i tried to make it brief. it wasn't that i didn't want her love, or care, but i didn't know how to hold onto it for long.

ever since i had that dream, where i told my brother i would run to mom, and i knew i would be comfortable with her, i've felt some sort of peace, that maybe i'm leaning toward a different kind of comfort with those i love.

of course, i also felt guilt, that i can't just relax with love.

out of the blue, without mentioning any of this, i was working with someone i know, but not well, and she looked at me today and said, 'there's a reason they call it sweet sorrow.'

i guess she's right.