#37

i flew into las vegas the day after mom's aneurysm.

it was life interrupted in the house. her purse was on the kitchen table, her lipstick out.

she wasn't planning on never coming home.

mom was planning the first christmas that suzanne & ben would be joining us. she had a three page to-do list.

each item was numbered. each item made sense, like 'pressure wash the deck.'

except #37.

'#37- mail molly's package. '

no one knows anything about the package.

i feel like the kid from 'extremely loud and incredibly close' searching for the lock to go to his father's key.

late at night, tonight, i'm thinking about #37.

courage and grace, these are my prayers

mom died on 11/3. it's been almost three weeks.

i am tired and sad. most of the time right now. i am in touch with dad, and suzanne and mike and jim. but, it was better when we were in person. somehow, the five of us together, at home, kept her close. i feel far away now that i am back in my own home.

it's been three weeks, and i should be finishing up thank you notes, but i haven't even started them. this is mostly because i just haven't gotten to them, i don't know what to say. i am so grateful for everyone, more than i have ever been. i am so blessed. but, then, i realized that mom ordered all the stationery for all of us. and i have run out of mine. one of the last things i asked her for was more, even though i know the order by heart.

while i am tired and sad, i still find love all around me. maybe even more so than before.

i will continue to work towards courage and grace.