grace

my mom suffered an aneurysm in her anterior communicating artery on wednesday.

anyone who knows me, knows how much my family means to me. while we live far apart, family is the most important thing in my life.

my mom is alive, and alert, and speaking. the doctors refer to her survival as a miracle.

my emotional crutch is studying. i have searched the internet for information, there is no good news. the odds for short-term survival are bad. the odds for long-term survival are worse.

i want to be grateful for each extra moment i have with mom, but i find myself falling into grief.

for the first 48 hours, i couldn't pray. i felt spiritually mute.

then, i tried to pray, but everything was selfish.

then, the lord's prayer came to me. and then it came to me- grace. i need to pray for grace for us all. that my mom has grace through this process, whether it means life or death.

i think the hardest part for me right now is that everyone else is so grateful that's she here, and stable. and i'm just pissed, and sad, and not ready to let her go.

dad is so confident that everything is going to be alright. and i wish i had that.

i don't know how to be with mom right now. she's aware, but not clear on how serious this is.

i don't know how to not be selfish right now, so i sneak in when she's not awake, and leave as quickly as possible when she is. i don't know how to not need her.

i will keep praying for grace.

why you need my equality

an open letter to my community,

i'm tired of chanting at rallies. i don't want to talk about what i want today. i don't want to talk religion or politics today, though know that i welcome both of those conversations. for right now, let's talk about why you need my equality, as two people who share a community.

you need my equality. i'm tired of telling people what i want. and when i want it. it's not about me, what i want, or when. it's about us, and you. and you need my equality. i'm not shouting this, i'm not asking you, for the first time in my life, i feel confident and steady enough to talk to you as my equal. because we are. and legally, we should be.

i've built my adult life around queer politics and culture. it has made me a better community member. i've also spent a certain amount of my life in grief and mourning. because being queer meant a loss for me. a loss of safety, a loss of approval, a loss of options.

i've been jaded. for a long time. from a very young age, i knew i was queer. even from that very young age, i equated being queer with those losses. i knew that at some point i would have to tell my mom she would never be the mother of a bride because that's what my being queer meant. when i came out to her, the only thing she cried about was that she wouldn't be the mother of a bride.

being queer has meant a number of other things as well. at times, it has meant a certain kind of fraternity and community that otherwise would not have been available to me. at times, it has meant shame, it has meant violence, it has meant the expectation of disapproval during the most mundane and taken for granted activities of life. like, having coffee with my partner and her son we were raising together.

i didn't know until recently that i wanted to get married. i have a strong faith in god. let me and god and my church work out my ability to marry in the eyes of god. i trust that we will.

you and i should work out my ability to marry in the eyes of the state.

i have a strong faith in love. still, somewhere in my heart, i believed that i didn't deserve to get married. i bought into that. i don't believe that anymore. and civil partnerships are a consolation prize that offer me little comfort.

i have been grieving this loss since i was five years old. i wanted to marry my best friend, and registered that i would never i would never be able to marry who i wanted. i have been in mourning for 28 years. where else could my time, and energy, and talent be spent? how much better would our community be if i loved another joyfully without shame, without fear, without this grief?

when i realized i wanted to get married, i started taking dancing lessons. i want to dance at my wedding. give me the opportunity to dance at my wedding. locally, with all of my family and friends and community to bear witness. granted, i have to find someone to marry, but i'll work on that part.

when Spain legalized gay marriage Spain's Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero said, "...We are enlarging the opportunity for happiness to our neighbors, our co-workers, our friends and, our families: at the same time we are making a more decent society, because a decent society is one that does not humiliate its members."

enlarge our opportunities for happiness. make a more decent society.

you need my equality. you need it now. because a decent society is one that does not humiliate its members.

for those of us in washington state, please vote yes on referendum 71.