all about love

i have a tendency to be objective based. wandering can be nice, but i do better with a purpose, even if not always a destination.

since i was a kid, i have always had working missions. they've evolved from learning to fly as a kid, to creating queer spaces as an adult. though, i have an itch to fly again. when i was a kid, i raced hot air balloons. races require a minimum of three people in a basket. this is usually comprised of one adult and two kids, to keep weight at a minimum. my dad and grandfather were pilots. i grew up around flight. my favorite kind of flights were hot air balloons and gliders. i had a thing for no engines.

in the past year, i adopted a mission to find love. in all it's forms. i wanted to stretch my definition of love past the limited romantic boundaries i had set around it. i loved my parents, i loved my friends. but somehow, that didn't count for me as love. only romantic-in-love-love counted as love. it was, in fact, a kind of score sheet i kept.

i had been mostly single for three years already. i had dated a little. had a couple of girlfriends. but no one who required a conversation prior to making choices like, buying a car.

i had been cutting down on my love addiction for a few years. i wasn't ready to go cold turkey, but i wasn't going on any benders, either.

next step- really get to know love. how it works. why it works. know where i could find it, even the surprising places. start seeing it for more than what i held it to be.

in order to do that, i decided to start dating as a way of getting to know people. rather than as a way to start a relationship. i even made a surrender pact with a friend. i would surrender to the universe. if someone asked me on a date, as long it didn't cross any of my actual boundaries, i had to say yes. i couldn't hem and haw and flake out. and i did give in to it. it was good.

i wrote a relationship manifesto. i wrote choose your own adventure posts on craigslist and called them writing assignments. i dated. i really liked everyone i dated. but no girlfriends. i began to think i would never choose a girlfriend. that being said, i did get a little flakey on the surrender front when work picked up.

but another funny thing happened. i began thinking about love when i was happy. when i was angry. when i was lonely. it started as a word, and then it grew. to a concept. to a philosophy. to a feeling. to a commitment. i found myself taking care of things. in a joyful way. i got to know people. in ways i never had before. and i loved them the more i got to know them, especially when realizing our differences. and i stopped listening to jawbreaker so much. well, at least i cut down considerably. and ryan adams was out.

the funny thing- i found myself thankful for so many things. i found myself breathing more. deeper. i found myself calmer. and happier. i found myself doing more. for myself. for others. for my community. i found myself less scared. i stopped holding my breath when i walked past the parking lot where i was assaulted four years ago. i started laughing more. from my core. how was i possibly falling in love for so long without laughing and breathing?

i found myself expecting great things. and they happened. and they keep happening. i wanna do cartwheels in the street most days. i want to dance.

i find love everywhere. my heart throws sparks most of the time.

part of this mission to find love meant separating myself from my bender romantic notions. i miss them, i do.

and sometimes i'm still lonely. part of that love business meant being on my own more.

of course i haven't given up on the deeper than the river, dancing in the kitchen at the end of the night love. one of these days, i'm going to find myself laughing and breathing and surrendering in just the right ways to that slow, steady, even though i may have had a clue at first glance romantic love. with maybe a few big nights on the town, but no more love benders or hangovers. i really do believe i will find not a girl, but the right girl. just not tomorrow. i'm not naive enough to think i've got all the answers. in many ways, falling in love will be a completely new exercise for me. it will challenge me in ways i never before recognized. but as jess put it, 'doyle, you're smart enough to know it's worth the work. and you'll know when it's right." and he's right.

we'll see what happens. but i'm expecting great things. and anyway, i found more love than i even know what to do with most days. which gives me a lot of work to do. i've barely scratched the surface of this love business.